Religious leader-Pharisee

Jesus also taught "Beware of these teachers of religious law!  For they like to parade around in flowing robes and receive respectful greetings as they walk in the marketplaces.  And how they love the seats of honor in the synagogues and the head table at banquets.  Yet they shamelessly cheat widows out of their property and then pretend to be pious by making long prayers in public.  Because of this, they will be more severely punished."

Earlier in the chapter Jesus answers what the most important comandment is "And you must love your Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.  The second is equally important; Love your neighbor as yourself, no other commandment is greater than these."

Sometimes I wonder just how much Pharisee I have in me.  I read the scriptures and I see some things the Pharisees did and I notice that its not exactly far off from things that I have found myself doing.  Being in a position where I work at the church, in a religious enviornment I think I run the risk of becoming more and more Pharisee if I don't hold onto what Jesus taught about the greatest commandment.  If we aren't holding on tight to his words of love.  We run the risk of becoming bitter.  jealous.  judgemental.  We run the risk of thinking value is found in how others see you.  Where you sit at the table.  When you are called to go to lunch and who you are called to go to lunch with.  We get prideful.  I get prideful.  I see people who dig me, like me and I forget that the me I am is all because of Jesus.  I start believing that I have everything to do with making me who I am.  No.  Jesus made me who I am.  I would be nothing without him.  He has given me the confidence and the love to be me.

My goal this week is to remember to love God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength.  And to love others.  Jesus deserves all the praise.  Forgive my sinful sometimes Pharisee heart. 

exhaustion

I think I have a pretty good life.  A loving husband.  Pretty cool kid.  Awesome family.  Cool friends.  Good job. = pretty good life.  Pretty good life doesn't cancel out exhaustion.  I'm exhausted.  I think my body is starting to feel the effects of being exhausted.  My eyes, back, feet, head, neck, it all hurts.  I'm emotional.  I want to cry at the slightest thing.  My body is failing me with everything I have to do.  You would think that I could sleep but I often lay awake at night not being able to.  What is going on with me?  Is this just part of being a mom?  Does it ever end?  Does it ever get any better?  I'm awake with Zach really early.  He lets me shower while he watches his baby tv.  We eat breakfast, play, and depending on the day either go to day care or stay home and play more.  This morning we stayed home.  I washed clothes, folded clothes, did the dishes, played with Zach, he took a nap.  We went to a meeting at work where he hung out with a friend for an hour, came back home where he took about an hour nap, I finished up laundry, cleaned our room, and got a ten minute nap before he woke up.  Geoffe got home, he offered to let me take a nap but I had just gotten a ten minute one and knew I wouldn't be able to fall back asleep so soon.  We went to Walmart, came home, I cooked dinner while Geoffe entertained Zach for a while.  We ate, Geoffe took a nap and I took care of Zach.  Bath time, bed time, pick up toys, and do dishes, and now here I am.  Endless cycle.  Laundry, dishes, feedings, cleaning, working, driving, grocery shopping, napping, again and again and again.  I need another break.  To the point of breaking here.  When Zach was younger people would often tell me that it will get easier.  It has.  But its still super hard.  And so here I am, instead of sleeping I vent and wonder if it ever does really get easier.  Or if hard things are just replaced with different hard things.  That to me seems more realistic.  What do you think fellow mamas?  Tomorrow I go to work and Geoffe keeps Zach.  I think I'm going to spend some time reading at starbucks.  Unwind a bit.  It will help me I think. 

I close with this last thought.  I love Zach dearly.  I wouldn't change this exhaustion if it meant not having him.  I'd gladly take exhaustion over and over and over.  His smile melts my heart everytime.  His tears break my heart every time.  He rocks my world. 

I appreciate all Geoffe has done to provide for our family too.  He gets up super early, and I understand he is tired when he gets home.  However, i do long for the day that he has regular work hours again.  I miss him. 

my joy...

A kiss hello
Zachs sweet smile
Rain when its sunny
Zach sleeping
Zach laughing
Zach's kisses
A hug from family
An unexpected text saying hello
Watching Zach learn
Brothers and Sisters
Ministry working
The Girls I'm close to
Watching Zach and Geoffe wrestle
People getting along
Friends calling or visiting from out of town
Uncontrolable laughter
My husbands hand in mine
My moms smile
Sitting outside with my dad
A cool pool in the heat
A warm blanket when cold
A good book
Movies by myself
Zachs cries gone when he's in my arms
Cousins
Madisons & Jakes hugs
Katies notes
Shelbys and Blakes sports
Michael and Sam growing up
Justins presence
Christmas
Hume Lake
An encouraging conversation with a friend
Helping others
Prayer
The Bible outside in the shade or at starbucks
Family.

cool reading

When God is hidden by a dark cloud

---

April 23, 2010

Filed In Daily Devotionals

There are seasons in the lives of us all when it is not easy to believe that God is faithful. When our eyes are full of tears, our ears are distracted by the noise of the world, we feel we can no longer hear the sweet voice of our Savior calling out to us, and we can no longer trace His sovereign hand at work through the events of our days.
At times when this has happened in my life, my mind was left confused and full of questions. I had sought to be faithful to God… why would he allow this (insert trial here) to happen?
What we must remember at these times is that God is faithful. His Word is true. In every relationship with His Children, God has been faithful. No one ever trusted Him in vain. We need that reminder, which is why it is so important to remind ourselves of the God revealed in Scripture. His faithfulness is part of His character. We can have confidence in Him, whether we understand our current situation or not.
“You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.” John 13:7
One of my favorite poets is William Cowper. He spent his life battling depression, loneliness and many other struggles. Yet his poems remind us constantly of the faithfulness of God. Remember that even when God moves in your life in a mysterious way (as He did in William Cowper’s), He is sovereign, He is gracious, and He is, even now, working out His good plan in you.

God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm.
Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs
And works His sovereign will.
Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.
His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.
Blind unbelief is sure to err
And scan His work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
And He will make it plain.

just life.....

So Geoffe and I had this fishing trip planned for today.  I got Geoffe a deep sea fishing certificate for his birthday.  So he reserved three spots (me, him, and his dad) and we set the date.  I asked my sister and niece to keep Zach for the day and they excitedly agreed.......  Fast forward to last night...  Driving home after my nieces graduation I realized that I was alone.  Zach was with my sister.  I could sleep in.. Except we were leaving at 1:30 a.m.  I realized that I could have a day.  Just a day to myself.  All of a sudden fishing looked...  not as good...  SO... I talked to Geoffe and asked if he'd be disappointed if I didn't go.  He said that he would be ok, he had his dad going and I decided that I was going to stay home, sleep in, and do nothing all day.  SO far.  Its wonderful.  I slept in till 8:00, I only woke up once when Geoffe left, and I had the best most restful sleep I've had in a long time. 

Don't get me wrong.  I miss Zach.  I went into his room last night and just prayed over his crib and things.  He's had it rough the last couple months.  With ear infections, nasty colds, bad rashes, and bad cradle cap I'm so blessed that he still gives me big grins of happiness.  This kid amazes me.  He's started cereal and is doing great on it.  He rolls over onto his tummy and is already starting to scoot on his tummy.  He sticks his butt up in the air and uses his feet to push himself forward.  I'm pretty sure that he will crawl early.  This guy just melts my heart.  The other day after his 4 m shots he was smiling and in a good mood.  He started getting a little fussy towards the evening and finally fell asleep.  When he woke up he was screaming.  Poor guy wouldn't eat.  We quickly gave him a bath and I noticed the red inflammation of where he got his shot.  I realized that I didn't give him tylenol before or after shots.  Took his temp and it was a little high but he was probably sore.  I gave him some tylenol and about 40 minutes later my guy was back.  He finally finished his bottle and was laying on my bed staring up at me and talking.  He gets super sweet when he's tired before he falls asleep.  Its when he talks to me the most.  He is just so amazing.  Melts.  My.  Heart. 

So what is my plan for today?  Blog.  Catch up on TV shows.  Take a nap.  Get my hair cut.  Watch a movie.  Eat some sushi.  Yes.  Enjoy.  It.  And later I will pick up my son and I will kiss him and tell him that I missed him.  Because I do. 

Sometimes

I wonder if anything I do makes a difference. If all this passion I have for kids and preteens really means anything. I try so hard. To teach about God. Jesus. Life. Just so maybe, they won't make the same mistakes I did and so maybe they will fall in love more with God.

I'm just tired. I'm tired and I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Or how much longer I can take doing what I do. I'm tired And I'm old. Do I pass on the torch? Give up? Am I really reaching others or am I stuck in a false reality? I guess in Heaven I'll haft to see.

mommyhood

So honest moment here.  Probably more honest than anybody would really expect.  Ok.  Here it goes....

I. am. not. the. best. mother. 

There I said it.  Do I regret  saying it?  Yes.  A little.  Will I regret posting this blot.  Yes.  Probably.  Being a mom is stinking hard.  Zach is hard.  I don't go a week without having a few crying sessions.  I truly believe that God must have made a mistake when he decided to let me be a mom.  He must have had a crazy moment or something.  I don't know what I'm doing.  I don't know why he screams when he does.  I just don't know so much.  I second guess everything.  I'm nervous.  He screams.  One moment he's on cloud nine smiling and cooing, the next he's screaming and I don't know why.  He's fed, he's changed, medicine?  fever?  change positions?  Nothing helps. 

This evening he's screaming.  I hand him to Daddy and he stops.  My kid hates me.  I know this isn't true.  I really know it.  But deep in my insecurities my worst fear is coming out.  Its not me. I'm not exactly sure but tonight he was tired, hungry for more and screaming.  Daddy wasn't stressed.  (I had tried to console him screaming for quite some time-i was probably stressed).  He eventually started the screaming again and I decided to make him another bottle.  He instantly calmed down.  He ate two ounces and fell asleep. 

So my point in all this venting.......Its hard.  I love it.  But its hard.  I love him.  But he's hard.  I'm thankful that I'm not alone.  I'm thankful for those just within this last month who have told me that they have been where I'm at.  They have had rough times with their babies.  WHAT?  I'm not alone?  Others struggle?  Other babies hate their mothers too?  ;)  WHAT? 

The next moment he's awake he will be smiling at me and I will be bragging about what a smiley baby he is.  Geoffe reminded me that we have 18 + more years of this emotional rollercoaster.  Good grief! 

song on my mind lately

This song has been on my mind lately. The song is beautiful and has a lot of meaning to me. 

Take me past the outer courts
Into the Holy Place
Past the brazen altar
Lord I want to see your face
Pass me by the crowds of people
And the Priests who sing your praise
I hunger and thirst for your righteousness
But it's only found in one place

[Chorus:]
Take me into the holy of holies
Take me in by the blood of the lamb
Take me into the holy of holies
Take the coal, touch my lips, here I am

Learning about being a mom

Zach is 6 weeks old.  Life as we know it has completely changed.  I've realized some things I've taken for granted.  Sleep.  Getting out of the car to run into the store quickly without having to take out a carseat with a child.  Eating whatever I want.  Sleep.  Cleaning whenever I need to.  Reading a book.  Going to the park just to chill for hours.  Now.  I can still do those things.  They just have changed.  I have to limit the time doing things I love doing, and now, I have a son who I love that I can do them with.  Which is really awesome.

As much as I didn't believe the people who said during the first few weeks of Zach's life that "it will get easier" I must say that it has.  Zach, Geoffe, and I are learning about each other and figuring out life with baby.  I've noticed that I know things about Zach by the cues he gives me.  We've started a routine to where I'm pretty sure I can guess what he is going to want next.  Here's an example of our schedule along with things I've learned:

We start our day around 7:00 A.M. when Zach wakes up very early.  I have been exclusively pumping, and supplementing with formula at night, so he gets his first breast milk bottle.  I give him 3 OZ every 2 hours.  After eating he either is wide awake and wants to play (on rare occasion) or is ready to go back to sleep.  Most likely he goes back to seleep for 2 hours.  At 9, he wakes up and we repeat the feeding routine.  This time he normally wants to stay awake.  I put him in his baby fun chair.  He likes this for only about 30 minutes.  He normally gets bored pretty easy.  After the chair, I put him under his mobile thing that has toys hanging down.  He LOVES this.  He actually might be a bit overstimulated by it.  His legs move like he's running and his arms are up in the air hitting the toys.  Usually when I get smile it's when he's under this toy.  He also tries to eat the frog stuffed animal hanging down. 

*He started smiling last Thursday.  He has given small smiles, and his mouth opens way big as he's trying big smiles.  He gave his first big smile today (picture on facebook).  He also has this bear mobile hanging where his changing table is and he LOVES this.  He laughs, smiles, and talks to it.  He's learning very quickly. 

After about 1 hour 15 minutes Zach starts getting fussy.  I know that he's getting a little tired so I pick him up and give him a pacifier.  Now this isn't an easy process.  He fights the pacifier.  He cries until he puts his mouth down and realizes what it is and starts sucking.  Almost immediatly his eyes start closing.  This is how I know he's tired.  I call the pacifier my baby sleep savior.  it gets him to sleep almost every time.  So, Zach sleeps for about 30-45 minutes, wakes up, and we repeat the process. 

When the weather is nice I take Zach's chair outside and we sit in the sun.  During this time I read Zach books and I take time to pray and read the bible.  This sometimes can only be about 15-20 minutes but this time with the Lord is so worth it.  Its helped me pray through some frusterating and sleep deprived days. 

Around 7:00 every night we have Bath time.  Zach LOVES bathtime.  He doesn't cry unless he's hungry or especially tired.  After bath time Daddy gets Zach to dry him off, we put his PJ's on him and usually give him a bottle.  He plays some, and gets another bedtime bottle around 9 or 9:30 and goes to sleep.  He usually gives me a good 5 hours of sleep before waking up to eat, and then another 3 hours, and then we start the day again. 

Some things I've learned: 

When Zach wakes up all he wants to do is eat.  If he has a wet or poopy diaper trying to change it before he has eaten is difficult.  Normally I choose to wait until after food unless its a lot of pee, or any kind of poop.  We have to indure the screaming in this case.  His bear mobile doesn't even help when he's hungry.  (my boy loves to eat).

Zach has a blowout about every 2-3 days.  I have to be careful about the clothes I put on him when I think he's going to blow out.  I'd rather mess up the clothes that aren't my favorite things to put on him :)  At first I worried that his bowels wasn't frequent enough but I've learned through many internet articles, and an email to his doctors that its normal, and that I need to get used to the blowouts. 

Zach talks to me when he's under his toy mobile and sometimes when I'm holding him to give him a nap.  The pacifier sometimes prevents this so as much as I love it I'll take it out and let him tell me his stories. 

He also recognizes my voice.  Its awesome when I walk into the room and start talking and he turns his head, makes eye contact with me, and gives me a smile.  Makes the first few weeks worth it. 

I look at my boy and I think about the day he was born limp and blue.  I almost tear up thinking that we could have lost this precious guy.  We've all bonded.  He loves his mama and daddy. 

I'm sure now that I've learned this routine he will change it.  But still up for learning ;)

Good times ahead.....

Hard

So I'm at this stage where I'm seeing that this mom thing is super hard. I love him, I care about him but it's hard. I worry about if he's getting enough milk. I don't sleep at night. I take care of him all day wondering if I'm doing things right. It's lonely. It's hard. Geoffe is a lot of help but he works all day. I feel so alone in this very unsure world of being a mom....

So Friday I had to take him to his 2 week appointment. The doctor had to cauderize something in his belly button that involved some sort of poison. Doctor said that it didnt actually hurt zach to do it but is having me continue to clean it out with alcohol. Now I know that the alcohol hurts where he was cauterized. The skin is red and peeling and every kid knows that alcohol on owies is the pits. Zach screams every time I clean it out. So tonight as he's screaming I just broke down crying. I'm normally a strong person. But here I am hurting the poor guy, so tired and think I am not giving him enough milk at night. (he acts hungry all night from 6-9)

Anyway all this to say... It's rough.. Everybody says it will get easier... Seriously does it or do people say that to offer some hope that might not be there? Waiting and longing for the easier...

new baby

Zachariah will be two weeks old tomorrow.  The last two weeks have been CRAZY.  Adjusting to mommy life has been hard.  I don't think I expected having a baby to be easy, but I definetly didn't expect it to be as hard as it is.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm adapting to this whole mom thing pretty well.  I love him dearly.  I think its pretty amazing that something so beautiful came from me and Geoffe.  I worry.  I cry.  I don't get much sleep, and I feed him feed him feed him.  But its all pretty amazing and priceless.  Nothing can compare to it.  Just amazing.

I thought I'd share a little about the birth experience.  The nurses at Kaiser pretty much made my experience amazing.  They helped me in delivery, they educated me on what was happening, and they helped me after the C Section learn how to breast feed, take care of, and listen to my babies cues.  My water broke at midnight on the 7th.  I called the birthing center because It wasn't a huge gush of water and I wasn't sure if it was actually my water breaking.  They told me to come in just to be sure so we did.  We found out that there was merconium (Zach pooped inside).  I was dilated to a 3 and contractions had started so we got a room and waited.  I felt like a sissy when it came to the contractions.  Man I asked for the epidural by 4:30 a.m.  After recieving it I couldn't feel my legs or the pain anymore.  People had to come and move my legs for me and I got to experience first hand what it was like to be paralyzed.  The nurses started noticing that with every contraction Zach's heart rate would go down and then back up.  This caused some anxiety with everyone.  They called the doctor in and he basically said it was probably my pelvis contracting against his head which caused his heart rate to lower and then come back up.  The nurse wasn't convinced and said that she thought there was a cord around his neck.  But we kept watch, and everytime it went really low the nurse would call the doctor in.  Around 11:00 the nurse called the doctor back and and he didn't leave.  He stayed for a while watching the contractions and watching Zach's heart rate lower and then go back up.  He checked my dilation and I was at a 10 so he decided to have me try to push.  I did, and I couldn't get him out.  Everyone was alarmed at his heart rate at this time so they decided to do an emergency C section.  My epidural had worn off so I had to be put under and Geoffe wasn't allowed in the operating room.  6 minutes later Zach was pulled out limp and blue with the cord wrapped loosely around his neck.  He had an apgar of 3, 7, and then 8.  They massaged him, put him on oxygen and got him all better. 

Now my beautiful boy is just amazingly beautiful and healthy.  Words can't describe how cool it is having him here and good.  We had a scare, but what matters now is that he is healthy. 

The adventure continues........

-M

waiting for Zach.....

Its kinda funny how when I first found out I was pregnant I thought that 9 months was not enough time to prepare for having my first child.  The thoughts come into my head like "Oh my gosh, in less than a year I will be a mom."  Then you start worrying.  Not only about the health of the baby you are carrying, but about getting things ready for him.  I worried.  I prepared.  I read.  I listened to horror stories.  I listened to great stories.  Through all this I have seen how God has changed my mentality.  I'm 39 weeks pregnant, almost at 40 and I just want him to hurry up and get here.  I've felt this way probably for the last month.  Every pain, discomfort, and movements makes me think "is it time?"  Thursday night I thought I might be starting something.  Today I thought I might be starting something.  Both times, the pains have stopped.  My heart jumps in excitement during the pains.  "It might be today!"  But then get discouraged when the pain stops and its not today.  Discouragment at the pain stopping!  Everything is ready for Zach to come.  It seems like everything and everybody is ready except him! 

So friends, if you are pregnant and you fear the future of your baby and not having enough time, just know that pretty soon you will just want the baby inside of you to hurry up and come into the world so you can enjoy him and love him.  Hang in there.  9 months passes very quickly. 

Keep paying attention to updates on facebook.  This labor thing could happen pretty quickly for me.

eating. pregnant. gastric.

So basically all my life I've been told that I need to eat less food.  Less sugar, less substance, just less.  I'm a bored eater so I eat when there isn't anything else to do.  This has caused me problems.  I have always been big, my biggest was 200 + lbs overweight a few years ago.  I tried dieting.  I developed many bad ways to lose weight.  I finally decided that enough was enough and asked my Dr. to recommend me for Gastric Bypass.  Which he did, which I had done, and in that three years I've lost a lot of weight, and feel great.  I was happy with my weight before Zach.  My greatest fear when I found out I was pregnant with Zach was that I was going to gain all this weight back.  I have gained weight since being pregnant.  For the first time since the surgery.  Total so far has been 28 lbs and I'm almost done with the pregnancy so I think I've done pretty good.  But for the first time I have experienced complicatations because of the gastric bypass.  Nothing big, just eye opening.  Here's a few things to think about for those who get pregnant after the surgery.

1.  Tell all your doctors, all the time that you've had gastric so that they are aware.  Even if its in your record.  Everyone should know.  My OB wasn't aware and suggested tests that weren't good for me.  Which leads to number 2. 

2.  Do not take the sugar glucose test drink to find out if you have gestational diabetes. Because of the surgery your results will be thrown out.  Most likely your blood sugar will spike with a high reading and then drop very low.  You will also most likely get sick.  (Within 30 minutes I experienced throwing up and diaharrea).  After the 3 hour glucose drink I walked out of Kaiser with a blood sugar level low enough to make me pass out.  To find out if you do have G.D. gastric patients have to test their own blood.  My blood has turned out clean since then but I'm still on the G.D diet-which leads to number 3. 

3.  You still cannot eat a lot of food for breakfast lunch and dinner.  It is up to you to eat more food during the day to keep you and baby healthy.  This means intentionally packing snacks for your day.  At every OB appointment my urine was showing that I had high amounts of ketones.  The OB basically explained that this means that basically my body is starving.  She put me on with the Kaiser nutritionist who put me on a special diet where I'm eating more often during the day.  This is still very hard.  The OB basically said that if I go in one more time with high ketones they are going to put me on an IV to help me get hydrated and healthy.  So they want me to eat more.  For the first time in my life, people are saying eat more.  This mentality is especially hard because of my past, my fears, and my issues.  Eat more.  Be intentional about eating.   WHAT?? 

4.  Keep up on your vitamins.  You may have to double up on prenatals.  Because of the surgery your body doesn't absorb the multivitamins well.  So you want to make sure to take them everyday, sometimes more than you have to and be intentional about your babies health.  Right now I'm taking Calcium and Vitamin D because I can't drink milk.  2 Irons because I'm anemic.  B-12 (for life), Vitamin C (for life), Vitamin A (while pregnant your levels go down and I was low), and 2 prenatals-for more of what I need. 

5.  Keep up with your nutritionist at your doctor.  Be in contact with them on a regular basis.  Make sure they know you are pregnant with gastric and ask if their are any services for help.  I was 7 months pregnant before I found out that Kaiser offered a free program where Gastric patients who are pregnant can be followed by a nutritionist making sure that I'm eating right, baby is getting enough vitamins, and that G.D. isn't in the picture.  She calls me once a week to chat.  :)

6.  Because you've had gastric you may have a lot of skin.  Don't worry yourself to death when the 7th month comes around and people are still telling you that you don't look pregnant.  You may just be carrying differently.  I had a lot of room to fill out before I started showing (about month 8). 

So I think that's all the advice I could give.  Pregnancy and gastric is a wild ride but worth it.  Its worth eating more often.  It's worth gaining weight.  It's worth all the worry.  Zach will be here soon.  I'm praying for a healthy baby boy.