Friday, December 31, 2010

New Years

As everybody is busying around getting ready to live out the last day of 2010 I'm sitting at home, snuggled in a snuggie, fighting a bad cold and thinking.  Most people have new years resolutions.  Things that they want to change about themselves for the next year.  Some want to look better, some want to be a better person, some want to appear better for others.  I've never been big on resolutions.  The next year to me has just been another day.  Not much happening that was going to change my world.  This year, in about a month I have a big change.  A life change.   A change that will make me a better person.  A better mother.  A change that will make me a mother.  I long for so much when it comes to Zach.  For a loving home, a happy home, a fun home, and most importantly, a God honoring home. 

I was telling a friend how most people lately have asked me "Are you ready?"  Honestly.... Well.. no. I'm not sure any first time mommy could truly be ready. Sometimes we just gotta jump in and learn how to swim. Sometimes I'll drown, sometimes I'll float but at least I'm learning. Am I ready to meet Zach? Heck yes. To see his face, his personality. Thats what I'm excited for. I'm excited to experience life with my husband and my son in the year 2011 and beyond. 

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Life....

It's almost 2:30 a.m. and I can't sleep.  There are so many things running through my head.  The future, the present, the right now.  Nothing bad.  Just heavy.  So..... I thought I'd blog some to release a little of what my mind holds. 

First and foremost.... Zach.   I'm worried probably about nothing.  A few weeks ago I would feel him moving and jumping around quite a bit.  Now, I feel him not as often.  I still feel him jabbing and kicking every once in a while, but nothing compared to before.  I've read articles, I've talked to others and the consensus is that I shouldn't worry as long as I'm feeling him move.  But... I still worry.  A friend suggested that I ask God for little movements to encourage me during those times I'm worried.  Its helped some.  I just know that when I don't feel him and I'm worried I'm near tears and then all of a sudden I'll get a good punch.  Like, "Ok mom, I'm still here, stop freaking out."  I've been wondering lately how I can already be so attached to this little being that I haven't met.  It didn't happen for me super fast.  I didn't start feeling care, love, and attachment until the last couple months.  Probably when his presence was made more known by the constant movement.  I will never forget the doctors appointment where she stuck a little instrument on my stomach, moved it around some and I heard the most wonderful sound ever.  His heart.  For the first time.  My babies rapid little heart.  I don't tell many this but I teared up.  Its the most awesome sound in the world.  Even as I'm writing now I'm feeling him move around.  I really thank God for the reasurrance.  :)

We had Route 56 tonight and for the most part I would say that things have gone really well.  The girls are excited to participate in conversation, we have a fun time, and I'm starting to really get to know them.  Some drive me crazy.  One in particular.  She tests my patience to no end and I get so frustrated!  Tonight I asked her "_______ would you please calm down a little bit?"  She looked at me in the face and said "no."  OMGosh!  I then proceeded to ask her to never tell me no again unless I'm asking her if she's on drugs.  In that case it would be reasonable! 
I had a good conversation with a parent who asked me to pray for her kid who goes to Route 56.  For some reason her kids are dear to my heart.  When I drive home from Route 56 I always have to drive home in silence.  I need to unwind from the constant chatter of the night and just have time with my thoughts.  Tonight I prayed for that family.  Hoping for some God moment, some interference that God would meet her kids needs and that he would be real with God.  So I just get an email from his mom asking if I prayed because they had a real breakthrough tonight!  Praise God right!?

The future of the elementary department at the Bridge.  Recently I've been asked to dream a little.  I have been and I'm excited to say that some exciting stuff is happening!  I've been researching other churches, what they do and how they do it.  Dreaming has been on my mind quite a bit.  I don't know how everything will play out but I'm trusting God to lead and direct us and we press on to bringing kids to know him in a close personal way. 

Sometimes I don't show it but I'm thankful for my life.  For A God who cares and loves.  For my loving husband.  For my family.  For my friends.  For this kid inside me.  A friend reminded me one time how fortunate I am to have all the stuff I have.  God really has provided.  Its just so easy to get stuck on the things I want or feel I need.  I was looking at a friends facebook.  I knew her in college.  She got married recently, I'd say 6 months ago.  Her husband had to go back into the service after they married.  He was scheduled to come home.  He died.  I don't know a lot going on with this friend because we aren't super close but I do know that she has gone through a lot this last year.  I read that she went through cancer and chemo.  She got married, and then had her husband killed.  My heart goes out to her.  I don't know what to say that could comfort her or give her any hope.  I would understand if she was angry at God.  My point is just that I have it good and am thankful for how God provides.  But like Job, everything we have can be stripped away in one second if God chooses to let it happen. 

Ok...Thats the big stuff on my mind.  My eyes are heavy and I think I might be able to sleep tonight.  Good.  :)

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Where's the praise at?

When God wants to tell you something, man he really goes at it.  At life group tonight we talked about the things that God has blessed us with.  Most of the answers included ways that God has blessed people with big things.  As I sat and thought I realized that I didn't have my big thing.  As we went on with the group, we talked about praising God for the blessings that he has given us.  Now we rewind a bit.  At Route 56 I'm in charge of teaching fifth and sixth grade girls about comparing ourselves to others and the dangers of it.  Now why God wants to teach me this when I struggle with it emmensly daily, I don't know.  I just know that he does.  The talk isn't until mid October, so I've procrastinated thinking about it and how I'm going to present it to these girls.  Thursday afternoons in Children's ministry I do a lot of emailing, reminding volunteers about serving on Sunday, and I do this mostly through facebook.  Which brings us to this afternoon.  Facebook was down for the majority of the afternoon, so as I'm sitting in the office wondering what to do with my time I figure I would at least read the lesson book we have for the girls on comparing ourselves.  You know what the book mostly deals with?  Prasing God for how he has made us.  Praising God that we were made in his image.  Paying attentioin to the good things about us and not focusing on the bad.  Because when we focus on the bad its when we are comparing ourselves with others.  So basically, I should praise God for the way he's made me and not focus on all the things I don't like about me.  So fast forward to lifegroup tonight.  We talk about blessings that God has given and I realize that I have been blessed with so much.  Maybe nothing huge that I can share a great story with, but so many things that make one big.  I've been blessed with a loving Husband who cares about me.  A baby who will be born. A family who loves me.  A job where I'm used and loved.  Friends who support me and encourage me.  A car that gets me around.  A ministry that is doing good.  Most importantly a God who has given me all this.  Who loves me.  Communicates with me.  Cares about me.  Disciplines me.  And is there.  Many, Many blessings. 

  Which brings me to prayer.  There is a verse in the bible about presenting our requests to God with thanksgiving.  In the message it says "Don't fret or worry.  Instead of worrying, pray.  Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers.  Letting God knows your concerns."  I'm so focused in prayer about what I need.  Asking others for what I need.  I met a girl last year at a bible study who when asked what prayers she had she would always start with praises.  At first I thought it was weird.  But now that I think of it, its pretty awesome.  Something I need to do more.  Focus on more.  Do more.  Praises.  Not focusing on things I dont like;  want, and need.  My husband says that we have it pretty good.  And we do. 

Many Many Praises....

Thursday, September 16, 2010

So the blog thing......

So I've always wanted to be a writer.  When I was in High School and college I would spend hours writing in my journal about many things.  I noticed that my entries would change from crushes, first dates, kisses, friends, and family to God, family, growth, friends, boys, heartbreaks, and triumphs.  I've watched me change through the years. 

I haven't written in a long time.  Which is why I've started this thing.  Writing somehow relaxes me.  Takes me away from the things that pull me down.  Sometimes I write too much.  Sometimes I turn to the wrong areas to write.  But I think this is safe.  Safe because I have freedom.  And safe because I can control who I want to read it. 

Lately God has brought me through a lot.  I married the man that I never thought would come and I'm pregnant with our first child.  I'm filled with many emotions regarding Zach.  Joy.  Love.  Fear.  Anxiety.  Happiness....  Will I be a good mom?  Will I know what to do?  What will he look like?  Who's eyes will he have?  Will we ever be able to afford a place to call our own?  Will Zach be happy?  I know I must trust God in the unknown, but its often so hard. 

God has been teaching me a lot the last two weeks.  About myself.  My struggles.  My pain.  My fears.  My desires.  And my hopes.  I wonder if God ever gets tired of me turning to other people for help with my pain and not him.  Or is that what people are there for?  I really struggle with that.  Looking to others for acceptance and love instead of the one that can give it to me completely.  I'm not saying that other people do a bad job of showing me love and acceptance.  My friends do a great job, but if I can't even accept God's love how can I accept their love without question?  I'm just saying that God has really shown me that I need to seek him out first.  Then my fear of being overwhelming to others... might not be so overwhelming because I am resting in his love... 

A good friend told me recently that her prayer for me is that I can see outside myself.  I've been really holding onto that prayer this last week.  Trying to not focus on all the things I don't like about myself.  But instead, trying to focus on our God.  How great he is and what he has put us here on this earth for.  I don't know if the whole world is as lucky as I am to know what I'm passionate about and what I'm good at.  I don't just guess...I KNOW.  So... I focus on my mission field.  I focus on here.  Now.  I focus on showing love to others in a way that they might not be able to see themselves.  Because often I am that way.  Not able to accept God's or other peoples love.  I would appreciate prayer for this. 

So with this blog I'll keep you updated.  Zach moves a lot.  It's pretty cool to sit in a room and feel movement inside.  I feel silly because I am not a singer but I've started to sing to him.  Geoffe and I like to make up songs on the spot.  That's always fun.  Usually Geoffes end up being about how Zach's mom is a beautiful dork and mine end up being about love.  Oh.. half way there...  4-5 months more and we will meet him.  :)