So honest moment here. Probably more honest than anybody would really expect. Ok. Here it goes....
I. am. not. the. best. mother.
There I said it. Do I regret saying it? Yes. A little. Will I regret posting this blot. Yes. Probably. Being a mom is stinking hard. Zach is hard. I don't go a week without having a few crying sessions. I truly believe that God must have made a mistake when he decided to let me be a mom. He must have had a crazy moment or something. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know why he screams when he does. I just don't know so much. I second guess everything. I'm nervous. He screams. One moment he's on cloud nine smiling and cooing, the next he's screaming and I don't know why. He's fed, he's changed, medicine? fever? change positions? Nothing helps.
This evening he's screaming. I hand him to Daddy and he stops. My kid hates me. I know this isn't true. I really know it. But deep in my insecurities my worst fear is coming out. Its not me. I'm not exactly sure but tonight he was tired, hungry for more and screaming. Daddy wasn't stressed. (I had tried to console him screaming for quite some time-i was probably stressed). He eventually started the screaming again and I decided to make him another bottle. He instantly calmed down. He ate two ounces and fell asleep.
So my point in all this venting.......Its hard. I love it. But its hard. I love him. But he's hard. I'm thankful that I'm not alone. I'm thankful for those just within this last month who have told me that they have been where I'm at. They have had rough times with their babies. WHAT? I'm not alone? Others struggle? Other babies hate their mothers too? ;) WHAT?
The next moment he's awake he will be smiling at me and I will be bragging about what a smiley baby he is. Geoffe reminded me that we have 18 + more years of this emotional rollercoaster. Good grief!
thanks for being honest. holy cow. if I were to have a kid right now, I'd be saying the same thing. I'm absolutely terrified of babies.
ReplyDeleteI guess...to be encouraging, Jesus knows what you're going through because He didn't have a frustrating kid. He had like billions of crying kids. so...He knows what it's like. hang in there. I hear it gets better :)
Debbie says: You.are.NOT.a.bad mom...get that out of your head. A bad mom wouldnt care that the baby was crying or what might be causing it. But you DO care!
ReplyDeleteKeep in mind that each baby has their own personality. Some are very peaceful and happy 99% of their day. Jeff was a very happy baby and easy to care for. On the other hand, Amie was VERY needy...she cried ALL the time and if she didnt have a reason to be unhappy, she would find something to cry about. I couldnt change either one of them....the only thing I could do was TRY to stay calm myself and learn how to handle each of them as individuals....but Amie could ALWAYS feel my stress and it affected her.
She went to day care from the time she was 8 weeks old. That wasnt easy for her or for me.It was stressful. and neither one of us handled it very well. Jeff, on the other hand, loved his babysitter and preschool, so he was a happy camper!
But its good to vent..and knowing you arent alone really helps. Does your church have a new parent support group? That might be helpful too.
Take care of yourself and try to find a way to De-stress. Before you know it he will be all grown up and the rollercoaster ride will hopefully slow down a bit!
I SOOOO know how you feel... I've been there. It does get easier... they become more independent when they can move and play... and then you'll be sad because he seems to be content without you and not need you much... that's where I am now. but whenever I start to get used to one stage/phase, everything changes. I'm learning to become fluid and flow with him, but that's hard too... Love you and you are NEVER alone! :)
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