So I've always wanted to be a writer. When I was in High School and college I would spend hours writing in my journal about many things. I noticed that my entries would change from crushes, first dates, kisses, friends, and family to God, family, growth, friends, boys, heartbreaks, and triumphs. I've watched me change through the years.
I haven't written in a long time. Which is why I've started this thing. Writing somehow relaxes me. Takes me away from the things that pull me down. Sometimes I write too much. Sometimes I turn to the wrong areas to write. But I think this is safe. Safe because I have freedom. And safe because I can control who I want to read it.
Lately God has brought me through a lot. I married the man that I never thought would come and I'm pregnant with our first child. I'm filled with many emotions regarding Zach. Joy. Love. Fear. Anxiety. Happiness.... Will I be a good mom? Will I know what to do? What will he look like? Who's eyes will he have? Will we ever be able to afford a place to call our own? Will Zach be happy? I know I must trust God in the unknown, but its often so hard.
God has been teaching me a lot the last two weeks. About myself. My struggles. My pain. My fears. My desires. And my hopes. I wonder if God ever gets tired of me turning to other people for help with my pain and not him. Or is that what people are there for? I really struggle with that. Looking to others for acceptance and love instead of the one that can give it to me completely. I'm not saying that other people do a bad job of showing me love and acceptance. My friends do a great job, but if I can't even accept God's love how can I accept their love without question? I'm just saying that God has really shown me that I need to seek him out first. Then my fear of being overwhelming to others... might not be so overwhelming because I am resting in his love...
A good friend told me recently that her prayer for me is that I can see outside myself. I've been really holding onto that prayer this last week. Trying to not focus on all the things I don't like about myself. But instead, trying to focus on our God. How great he is and what he has put us here on this earth for. I don't know if the whole world is as lucky as I am to know what I'm passionate about and what I'm good at. I don't just guess...I KNOW. So... I focus on my mission field. I focus on here. Now. I focus on showing love to others in a way that they might not be able to see themselves. Because often I am that way. Not able to accept God's or other peoples love. I would appreciate prayer for this.
So with this blog I'll keep you updated. Zach moves a lot. It's pretty cool to sit in a room and feel movement inside. I feel silly because I am not a singer but I've started to sing to him. Geoffe and I like to make up songs on the spot. That's always fun. Usually Geoffes end up being about how Zach's mom is a beautiful dork and mine end up being about love. Oh.. half way there... 4-5 months more and we will meet him. :)
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