Change is good??

Well, I thought I'd get on it and write a blog.  I have so much on my mind lately.  To give an example of how absent minded because of all the jumble in my head I'll refer to yesterday.  During the day I lost my sunglasses at the Bridge, I forgot to leave Zach's car seat with my sister who was hanging out with Zach and was going to take him to nephews football training, and I left my wallet at Walmart.  Through God's grace my wallet was turned in and my niece was able to watch Zach at home so he didn't need a car seat.  Still looking for those sunglasses.  So what is on my mind?  Well thanks for asking, it will be nice for me to unload it.

Tomorrow Zach turns one.  At this time last year I was trying to push Zach out.  Around 11:00 a.m. I was admitted to have a C-Section.  One year has gone by and my little boy is amazing.  He likes adventure.  He shows me this by pushing the limits.  Give him a stair case and he's all up for climbing it.  He loves to be outside.  He already enjoys digging in the dirt.  He is sweet, he even gives kisses sometimes when you ask for them.  He loves bath time.  He enjoys playing and splashing in the water.  He says mama, dada, gma, dog (da), ball (ba), bath(ba but a different sound for the a), He gets bored easily and I'm always having to entertain.  He's turning into the typical toddler.  He throws tantrums already.  He throws himself onto the floor and screams and stops just long enough to look and see if I'm going to do anything about it and if I ignore him he screams some more.  He loves to cuddle with mommy in the morning.  He's a mama's boy.  He's tough.  He's a healthy growing and active boy and he makes my heart jump with joy.  So through all the poop, colic, sleepless nights, and frustration there is joy there.  Lots of it.

We had a birthday party for Zach on Saturday.  Thank you to all the family and friends that attended.  Zach won't remember but I will and I will tell him how many people came to celebrate and love on his first birthday party.  Even though he enjoyed that sucker more than the cakc he had a good time and was exhausted at the end of the day.

So now for my cloud over me.  Change.  The most change for me that has happened this last month happens to be my workplace.  Saying goodbye has been a hard journey to walk and I still have a couple weeks left!  I've been at the Bridge for over 6 years I believe.  Its became my life.  Working with these kids has been amazing.  Meeting equally awesome parents has been so cool.  Seeing love and support from my friends on staff has been awesome.  Saying goodbye to this part of my life is hard.  I've recieved lots of encouragement, support, and love.  God has held me high in this part of my life.  He's given me verses through my day for hope.  He's walked along side of me everyday.  I literally see him walking next to me.  Carrying me sometimes when needed.  We have a good God that continues to love on us and be with us in the midst of change.  Yes, change is very hard but I have to believe that something really good will come because of all this change.  Good things are happening at the Bridge and they will continue to happen.  Our children's ministry is changing for the better.  I couldn't be more excited for our kids.  And whatever good this change brings into my life I don't know yet.  I'm sure years down the road I will look back and say "ah, thats why I had to go through that hard thing"   And until then I'm trusting in providance for our little family.  I'm praying for a new job soon. 

Thanks for all the support and love.  God has used all of it to help carry me. 

-M

Religious leader-Pharisee

Jesus also taught "Beware of these teachers of religious law!  For they like to parade around in flowing robes and receive respectful greetings as they walk in the marketplaces.  And how they love the seats of honor in the synagogues and the head table at banquets.  Yet they shamelessly cheat widows out of their property and then pretend to be pious by making long prayers in public.  Because of this, they will be more severely punished."

Earlier in the chapter Jesus answers what the most important comandment is "And you must love your Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.  The second is equally important; Love your neighbor as yourself, no other commandment is greater than these."

Sometimes I wonder just how much Pharisee I have in me.  I read the scriptures and I see some things the Pharisees did and I notice that its not exactly far off from things that I have found myself doing.  Being in a position where I work at the church, in a religious enviornment I think I run the risk of becoming more and more Pharisee if I don't hold onto what Jesus taught about the greatest commandment.  If we aren't holding on tight to his words of love.  We run the risk of becoming bitter.  jealous.  judgemental.  We run the risk of thinking value is found in how others see you.  Where you sit at the table.  When you are called to go to lunch and who you are called to go to lunch with.  We get prideful.  I get prideful.  I see people who dig me, like me and I forget that the me I am is all because of Jesus.  I start believing that I have everything to do with making me who I am.  No.  Jesus made me who I am.  I would be nothing without him.  He has given me the confidence and the love to be me.

My goal this week is to remember to love God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength.  And to love others.  Jesus deserves all the praise.  Forgive my sinful sometimes Pharisee heart. 

exhaustion

I think I have a pretty good life.  A loving husband.  Pretty cool kid.  Awesome family.  Cool friends.  Good job. = pretty good life.  Pretty good life doesn't cancel out exhaustion.  I'm exhausted.  I think my body is starting to feel the effects of being exhausted.  My eyes, back, feet, head, neck, it all hurts.  I'm emotional.  I want to cry at the slightest thing.  My body is failing me with everything I have to do.  You would think that I could sleep but I often lay awake at night not being able to.  What is going on with me?  Is this just part of being a mom?  Does it ever end?  Does it ever get any better?  I'm awake with Zach really early.  He lets me shower while he watches his baby tv.  We eat breakfast, play, and depending on the day either go to day care or stay home and play more.  This morning we stayed home.  I washed clothes, folded clothes, did the dishes, played with Zach, he took a nap.  We went to a meeting at work where he hung out with a friend for an hour, came back home where he took about an hour nap, I finished up laundry, cleaned our room, and got a ten minute nap before he woke up.  Geoffe got home, he offered to let me take a nap but I had just gotten a ten minute one and knew I wouldn't be able to fall back asleep so soon.  We went to Walmart, came home, I cooked dinner while Geoffe entertained Zach for a while.  We ate, Geoffe took a nap and I took care of Zach.  Bath time, bed time, pick up toys, and do dishes, and now here I am.  Endless cycle.  Laundry, dishes, feedings, cleaning, working, driving, grocery shopping, napping, again and again and again.  I need another break.  To the point of breaking here.  When Zach was younger people would often tell me that it will get easier.  It has.  But its still super hard.  And so here I am, instead of sleeping I vent and wonder if it ever does really get easier.  Or if hard things are just replaced with different hard things.  That to me seems more realistic.  What do you think fellow mamas?  Tomorrow I go to work and Geoffe keeps Zach.  I think I'm going to spend some time reading at starbucks.  Unwind a bit.  It will help me I think. 

I close with this last thought.  I love Zach dearly.  I wouldn't change this exhaustion if it meant not having him.  I'd gladly take exhaustion over and over and over.  His smile melts my heart everytime.  His tears break my heart every time.  He rocks my world. 

I appreciate all Geoffe has done to provide for our family too.  He gets up super early, and I understand he is tired when he gets home.  However, i do long for the day that he has regular work hours again.  I miss him. 

my joy...

A kiss hello
Zachs sweet smile
Rain when its sunny
Zach sleeping
Zach laughing
Zach's kisses
A hug from family
An unexpected text saying hello
Watching Zach learn
Brothers and Sisters
Ministry working
The Girls I'm close to
Watching Zach and Geoffe wrestle
People getting along
Friends calling or visiting from out of town
Uncontrolable laughter
My husbands hand in mine
My moms smile
Sitting outside with my dad
A cool pool in the heat
A warm blanket when cold
A good book
Movies by myself
Zachs cries gone when he's in my arms
Cousins
Madisons & Jakes hugs
Katies notes
Shelbys and Blakes sports
Michael and Sam growing up
Justins presence
Christmas
Hume Lake
An encouraging conversation with a friend
Helping others
Prayer
The Bible outside in the shade or at starbucks
Family.

cool reading

When God is hidden by a dark cloud

---

April 23, 2010

Filed In Daily Devotionals

There are seasons in the lives of us all when it is not easy to believe that God is faithful. When our eyes are full of tears, our ears are distracted by the noise of the world, we feel we can no longer hear the sweet voice of our Savior calling out to us, and we can no longer trace His sovereign hand at work through the events of our days.
At times when this has happened in my life, my mind was left confused and full of questions. I had sought to be faithful to God… why would he allow this (insert trial here) to happen?
What we must remember at these times is that God is faithful. His Word is true. In every relationship with His Children, God has been faithful. No one ever trusted Him in vain. We need that reminder, which is why it is so important to remind ourselves of the God revealed in Scripture. His faithfulness is part of His character. We can have confidence in Him, whether we understand our current situation or not.
“You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.” John 13:7
One of my favorite poets is William Cowper. He spent his life battling depression, loneliness and many other struggles. Yet his poems remind us constantly of the faithfulness of God. Remember that even when God moves in your life in a mysterious way (as He did in William Cowper’s), He is sovereign, He is gracious, and He is, even now, working out His good plan in you.

God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm.
Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs
And works His sovereign will.
Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.
His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.
Blind unbelief is sure to err
And scan His work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
And He will make it plain.

just life.....

So Geoffe and I had this fishing trip planned for today.  I got Geoffe a deep sea fishing certificate for his birthday.  So he reserved three spots (me, him, and his dad) and we set the date.  I asked my sister and niece to keep Zach for the day and they excitedly agreed.......  Fast forward to last night...  Driving home after my nieces graduation I realized that I was alone.  Zach was with my sister.  I could sleep in.. Except we were leaving at 1:30 a.m.  I realized that I could have a day.  Just a day to myself.  All of a sudden fishing looked...  not as good...  SO... I talked to Geoffe and asked if he'd be disappointed if I didn't go.  He said that he would be ok, he had his dad going and I decided that I was going to stay home, sleep in, and do nothing all day.  SO far.  Its wonderful.  I slept in till 8:00, I only woke up once when Geoffe left, and I had the best most restful sleep I've had in a long time. 

Don't get me wrong.  I miss Zach.  I went into his room last night and just prayed over his crib and things.  He's had it rough the last couple months.  With ear infections, nasty colds, bad rashes, and bad cradle cap I'm so blessed that he still gives me big grins of happiness.  This kid amazes me.  He's started cereal and is doing great on it.  He rolls over onto his tummy and is already starting to scoot on his tummy.  He sticks his butt up in the air and uses his feet to push himself forward.  I'm pretty sure that he will crawl early.  This guy just melts my heart.  The other day after his 4 m shots he was smiling and in a good mood.  He started getting a little fussy towards the evening and finally fell asleep.  When he woke up he was screaming.  Poor guy wouldn't eat.  We quickly gave him a bath and I noticed the red inflammation of where he got his shot.  I realized that I didn't give him tylenol before or after shots.  Took his temp and it was a little high but he was probably sore.  I gave him some tylenol and about 40 minutes later my guy was back.  He finally finished his bottle and was laying on my bed staring up at me and talking.  He gets super sweet when he's tired before he falls asleep.  Its when he talks to me the most.  He is just so amazing.  Melts.  My.  Heart. 

So what is my plan for today?  Blog.  Catch up on TV shows.  Take a nap.  Get my hair cut.  Watch a movie.  Eat some sushi.  Yes.  Enjoy.  It.  And later I will pick up my son and I will kiss him and tell him that I missed him.  Because I do. 

Sometimes

I wonder if anything I do makes a difference. If all this passion I have for kids and preteens really means anything. I try so hard. To teach about God. Jesus. Life. Just so maybe, they won't make the same mistakes I did and so maybe they will fall in love more with God.

I'm just tired. I'm tired and I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Or how much longer I can take doing what I do. I'm tired And I'm old. Do I pass on the torch? Give up? Am I really reaching others or am I stuck in a false reality? I guess in Heaven I'll haft to see.