So I'm at this stage where I'm seeing that this mom thing is super hard. I love him, I care about him but it's hard. I worry about if he's getting enough milk. I don't sleep at night. I take care of him all day wondering if I'm doing things right. It's lonely. It's hard. Geoffe is a lot of help but he works all day. I feel so alone in this very unsure world of being a mom....
So Friday I had to take him to his 2 week appointment. The doctor had to cauderize something in his belly button that involved some sort of poison. Doctor said that it didnt actually hurt zach to do it but is having me continue to clean it out with alcohol. Now I know that the alcohol hurts where he was cauterized. The skin is red and peeling and every kid knows that alcohol on owies is the pits. Zach screams every time I clean it out. So tonight as he's screaming I just broke down crying. I'm normally a strong person. But here I am hurting the poor guy, so tired and think I am not giving him enough milk at night. (he acts hungry all night from 6-9)
Anyway all this to say... It's rough.. Everybody says it will get easier... Seriously does it or do people say that to offer some hope that might not be there? Waiting and longing for the easier...
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
new baby
Zachariah will be two weeks old tomorrow. The last two weeks have been CRAZY. Adjusting to mommy life has been hard. I don't think I expected having a baby to be easy, but I definetly didn't expect it to be as hard as it is. Don't get me wrong. I'm adapting to this whole mom thing pretty well. I love him dearly. I think its pretty amazing that something so beautiful came from me and Geoffe. I worry. I cry. I don't get much sleep, and I feed him feed him feed him. But its all pretty amazing and priceless. Nothing can compare to it. Just amazing.
I thought I'd share a little about the birth experience. The nurses at Kaiser pretty much made my experience amazing. They helped me in delivery, they educated me on what was happening, and they helped me after the C Section learn how to breast feed, take care of, and listen to my babies cues. My water broke at midnight on the 7th. I called the birthing center because It wasn't a huge gush of water and I wasn't sure if it was actually my water breaking. They told me to come in just to be sure so we did. We found out that there was merconium (Zach pooped inside). I was dilated to a 3 and contractions had started so we got a room and waited. I felt like a sissy when it came to the contractions. Man I asked for the epidural by 4:30 a.m. After recieving it I couldn't feel my legs or the pain anymore. People had to come and move my legs for me and I got to experience first hand what it was like to be paralyzed. The nurses started noticing that with every contraction Zach's heart rate would go down and then back up. This caused some anxiety with everyone. They called the doctor in and he basically said it was probably my pelvis contracting against his head which caused his heart rate to lower and then come back up. The nurse wasn't convinced and said that she thought there was a cord around his neck. But we kept watch, and everytime it went really low the nurse would call the doctor in. Around 11:00 the nurse called the doctor back and and he didn't leave. He stayed for a while watching the contractions and watching Zach's heart rate lower and then go back up. He checked my dilation and I was at a 10 so he decided to have me try to push. I did, and I couldn't get him out. Everyone was alarmed at his heart rate at this time so they decided to do an emergency C section. My epidural had worn off so I had to be put under and Geoffe wasn't allowed in the operating room. 6 minutes later Zach was pulled out limp and blue with the cord wrapped loosely around his neck. He had an apgar of 3, 7, and then 8. They massaged him, put him on oxygen and got him all better.
Now my beautiful boy is just amazingly beautiful and healthy. Words can't describe how cool it is having him here and good. We had a scare, but what matters now is that he is healthy.
The adventure continues........
-M
I thought I'd share a little about the birth experience. The nurses at Kaiser pretty much made my experience amazing. They helped me in delivery, they educated me on what was happening, and they helped me after the C Section learn how to breast feed, take care of, and listen to my babies cues. My water broke at midnight on the 7th. I called the birthing center because It wasn't a huge gush of water and I wasn't sure if it was actually my water breaking. They told me to come in just to be sure so we did. We found out that there was merconium (Zach pooped inside). I was dilated to a 3 and contractions had started so we got a room and waited. I felt like a sissy when it came to the contractions. Man I asked for the epidural by 4:30 a.m. After recieving it I couldn't feel my legs or the pain anymore. People had to come and move my legs for me and I got to experience first hand what it was like to be paralyzed. The nurses started noticing that with every contraction Zach's heart rate would go down and then back up. This caused some anxiety with everyone. They called the doctor in and he basically said it was probably my pelvis contracting against his head which caused his heart rate to lower and then come back up. The nurse wasn't convinced and said that she thought there was a cord around his neck. But we kept watch, and everytime it went really low the nurse would call the doctor in. Around 11:00 the nurse called the doctor back and and he didn't leave. He stayed for a while watching the contractions and watching Zach's heart rate lower and then go back up. He checked my dilation and I was at a 10 so he decided to have me try to push. I did, and I couldn't get him out. Everyone was alarmed at his heart rate at this time so they decided to do an emergency C section. My epidural had worn off so I had to be put under and Geoffe wasn't allowed in the operating room. 6 minutes later Zach was pulled out limp and blue with the cord wrapped loosely around his neck. He had an apgar of 3, 7, and then 8. They massaged him, put him on oxygen and got him all better.
Now my beautiful boy is just amazingly beautiful and healthy. Words can't describe how cool it is having him here and good. We had a scare, but what matters now is that he is healthy.
The adventure continues........
-M
Saturday, January 29, 2011
waiting for Zach.....
Its kinda funny how when I first found out I was pregnant I thought that 9 months was not enough time to prepare for having my first child. The thoughts come into my head like "Oh my gosh, in less than a year I will be a mom." Then you start worrying. Not only about the health of the baby you are carrying, but about getting things ready for him. I worried. I prepared. I read. I listened to horror stories. I listened to great stories. Through all this I have seen how God has changed my mentality. I'm 39 weeks pregnant, almost at 40 and I just want him to hurry up and get here. I've felt this way probably for the last month. Every pain, discomfort, and movements makes me think "is it time?" Thursday night I thought I might be starting something. Today I thought I might be starting something. Both times, the pains have stopped. My heart jumps in excitement during the pains. "It might be today!" But then get discouraged when the pain stops and its not today. Discouragment at the pain stopping! Everything is ready for Zach to come. It seems like everything and everybody is ready except him!
So friends, if you are pregnant and you fear the future of your baby and not having enough time, just know that pretty soon you will just want the baby inside of you to hurry up and come into the world so you can enjoy him and love him. Hang in there. 9 months passes very quickly.
Keep paying attention to updates on facebook. This labor thing could happen pretty quickly for me.
So friends, if you are pregnant and you fear the future of your baby and not having enough time, just know that pretty soon you will just want the baby inside of you to hurry up and come into the world so you can enjoy him and love him. Hang in there. 9 months passes very quickly.
Keep paying attention to updates on facebook. This labor thing could happen pretty quickly for me.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
eating. pregnant. gastric.
So basically all my life I've been told that I need to eat less food. Less sugar, less substance, just less. I'm a bored eater so I eat when there isn't anything else to do. This has caused me problems. I have always been big, my biggest was 200 + lbs overweight a few years ago. I tried dieting. I developed many bad ways to lose weight. I finally decided that enough was enough and asked my Dr. to recommend me for Gastric Bypass. Which he did, which I had done, and in that three years I've lost a lot of weight, and feel great. I was happy with my weight before Zach. My greatest fear when I found out I was pregnant with Zach was that I was going to gain all this weight back. I have gained weight since being pregnant. For the first time since the surgery. Total so far has been 28 lbs and I'm almost done with the pregnancy so I think I've done pretty good. But for the first time I have experienced complicatations because of the gastric bypass. Nothing big, just eye opening. Here's a few things to think about for those who get pregnant after the surgery.
1. Tell all your doctors, all the time that you've had gastric so that they are aware. Even if its in your record. Everyone should know. My OB wasn't aware and suggested tests that weren't good for me. Which leads to number 2.
2. Do not take the sugar glucose test drink to find out if you have gestational diabetes. Because of the surgery your results will be thrown out. Most likely your blood sugar will spike with a high reading and then drop very low. You will also most likely get sick. (Within 30 minutes I experienced throwing up and diaharrea). After the 3 hour glucose drink I walked out of Kaiser with a blood sugar level low enough to make me pass out. To find out if you do have G.D. gastric patients have to test their own blood. My blood has turned out clean since then but I'm still on the G.D diet-which leads to number 3.
3. You still cannot eat a lot of food for breakfast lunch and dinner. It is up to you to eat more food during the day to keep you and baby healthy. This means intentionally packing snacks for your day. At every OB appointment my urine was showing that I had high amounts of ketones. The OB basically explained that this means that basically my body is starving. She put me on with the Kaiser nutritionist who put me on a special diet where I'm eating more often during the day. This is still very hard. The OB basically said that if I go in one more time with high ketones they are going to put me on an IV to help me get hydrated and healthy. So they want me to eat more. For the first time in my life, people are saying eat more. This mentality is especially hard because of my past, my fears, and my issues. Eat more. Be intentional about eating. WHAT??
4. Keep up on your vitamins. You may have to double up on prenatals. Because of the surgery your body doesn't absorb the multivitamins well. So you want to make sure to take them everyday, sometimes more than you have to and be intentional about your babies health. Right now I'm taking Calcium and Vitamin D because I can't drink milk. 2 Irons because I'm anemic. B-12 (for life), Vitamin C (for life), Vitamin A (while pregnant your levels go down and I was low), and 2 prenatals-for more of what I need.
5. Keep up with your nutritionist at your doctor. Be in contact with them on a regular basis. Make sure they know you are pregnant with gastric and ask if their are any services for help. I was 7 months pregnant before I found out that Kaiser offered a free program where Gastric patients who are pregnant can be followed by a nutritionist making sure that I'm eating right, baby is getting enough vitamins, and that G.D. isn't in the picture. She calls me once a week to chat. :)
6. Because you've had gastric you may have a lot of skin. Don't worry yourself to death when the 7th month comes around and people are still telling you that you don't look pregnant. You may just be carrying differently. I had a lot of room to fill out before I started showing (about month 8).
So I think that's all the advice I could give. Pregnancy and gastric is a wild ride but worth it. Its worth eating more often. It's worth gaining weight. It's worth all the worry. Zach will be here soon. I'm praying for a healthy baby boy.
1. Tell all your doctors, all the time that you've had gastric so that they are aware. Even if its in your record. Everyone should know. My OB wasn't aware and suggested tests that weren't good for me. Which leads to number 2.
2. Do not take the sugar glucose test drink to find out if you have gestational diabetes. Because of the surgery your results will be thrown out. Most likely your blood sugar will spike with a high reading and then drop very low. You will also most likely get sick. (Within 30 minutes I experienced throwing up and diaharrea). After the 3 hour glucose drink I walked out of Kaiser with a blood sugar level low enough to make me pass out. To find out if you do have G.D. gastric patients have to test their own blood. My blood has turned out clean since then but I'm still on the G.D diet-which leads to number 3.
3. You still cannot eat a lot of food for breakfast lunch and dinner. It is up to you to eat more food during the day to keep you and baby healthy. This means intentionally packing snacks for your day. At every OB appointment my urine was showing that I had high amounts of ketones. The OB basically explained that this means that basically my body is starving. She put me on with the Kaiser nutritionist who put me on a special diet where I'm eating more often during the day. This is still very hard. The OB basically said that if I go in one more time with high ketones they are going to put me on an IV to help me get hydrated and healthy. So they want me to eat more. For the first time in my life, people are saying eat more. This mentality is especially hard because of my past, my fears, and my issues. Eat more. Be intentional about eating. WHAT??
4. Keep up on your vitamins. You may have to double up on prenatals. Because of the surgery your body doesn't absorb the multivitamins well. So you want to make sure to take them everyday, sometimes more than you have to and be intentional about your babies health. Right now I'm taking Calcium and Vitamin D because I can't drink milk. 2 Irons because I'm anemic. B-12 (for life), Vitamin C (for life), Vitamin A (while pregnant your levels go down and I was low), and 2 prenatals-for more of what I need.
5. Keep up with your nutritionist at your doctor. Be in contact with them on a regular basis. Make sure they know you are pregnant with gastric and ask if their are any services for help. I was 7 months pregnant before I found out that Kaiser offered a free program where Gastric patients who are pregnant can be followed by a nutritionist making sure that I'm eating right, baby is getting enough vitamins, and that G.D. isn't in the picture. She calls me once a week to chat. :)
6. Because you've had gastric you may have a lot of skin. Don't worry yourself to death when the 7th month comes around and people are still telling you that you don't look pregnant. You may just be carrying differently. I had a lot of room to fill out before I started showing (about month 8).
So I think that's all the advice I could give. Pregnancy and gastric is a wild ride but worth it. Its worth eating more often. It's worth gaining weight. It's worth all the worry. Zach will be here soon. I'm praying for a healthy baby boy.
Friday, December 31, 2010
New Years
As everybody is busying around getting ready to live out the last day of 2010 I'm sitting at home, snuggled in a snuggie, fighting a bad cold and thinking. Most people have new years resolutions. Things that they want to change about themselves for the next year. Some want to look better, some want to be a better person, some want to appear better for others. I've never been big on resolutions. The next year to me has just been another day. Not much happening that was going to change my world. This year, in about a month I have a big change. A life change. A change that will make me a better person. A better mother. A change that will make me a mother. I long for so much when it comes to Zach. For a loving home, a happy home, a fun home, and most importantly, a God honoring home.
I was telling a friend how most people lately have asked me "Are you ready?" Honestly.... Well.. no. I'm not sure any first time mommy could truly be ready. Sometimes we just gotta jump in and learn how to swim. Sometimes I'll drown, sometimes I'll float but at least I'm learning. Am I ready to meet Zach? Heck yes. To see his face, his personality. Thats what I'm excited for. I'm excited to experience life with my husband and my son in the year 2011 and beyond.
I was telling a friend how most people lately have asked me "Are you ready?" Honestly.... Well.. no. I'm not sure any first time mommy could truly be ready. Sometimes we just gotta jump in and learn how to swim. Sometimes I'll drown, sometimes I'll float but at least I'm learning. Am I ready to meet Zach? Heck yes. To see his face, his personality. Thats what I'm excited for. I'm excited to experience life with my husband and my son in the year 2011 and beyond.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Life....
It's almost 2:30 a.m. and I can't sleep. There are so many things running through my head. The future, the present, the right now. Nothing bad. Just heavy. So..... I thought I'd blog some to release a little of what my mind holds.
First and foremost.... Zach. I'm worried probably about nothing. A few weeks ago I would feel him moving and jumping around quite a bit. Now, I feel him not as often. I still feel him jabbing and kicking every once in a while, but nothing compared to before. I've read articles, I've talked to others and the consensus is that I shouldn't worry as long as I'm feeling him move. But... I still worry. A friend suggested that I ask God for little movements to encourage me during those times I'm worried. Its helped some. I just know that when I don't feel him and I'm worried I'm near tears and then all of a sudden I'll get a good punch. Like, "Ok mom, I'm still here, stop freaking out." I've been wondering lately how I can already be so attached to this little being that I haven't met. It didn't happen for me super fast. I didn't start feeling care, love, and attachment until the last couple months. Probably when his presence was made more known by the constant movement. I will never forget the doctors appointment where she stuck a little instrument on my stomach, moved it around some and I heard the most wonderful sound ever. His heart. For the first time. My babies rapid little heart. I don't tell many this but I teared up. Its the most awesome sound in the world. Even as I'm writing now I'm feeling him move around. I really thank God for the reasurrance. :)
We had Route 56 tonight and for the most part I would say that things have gone really well. The girls are excited to participate in conversation, we have a fun time, and I'm starting to really get to know them. Some drive me crazy. One in particular. She tests my patience to no end and I get so frustrated! Tonight I asked her "_______ would you please calm down a little bit?" She looked at me in the face and said "no." OMGosh! I then proceeded to ask her to never tell me no again unless I'm asking her if she's on drugs. In that case it would be reasonable!
I had a good conversation with a parent who asked me to pray for her kid who goes to Route 56. For some reason her kids are dear to my heart. When I drive home from Route 56 I always have to drive home in silence. I need to unwind from the constant chatter of the night and just have time with my thoughts. Tonight I prayed for that family. Hoping for some God moment, some interference that God would meet her kids needs and that he would be real with God. So I just get an email from his mom asking if I prayed because they had a real breakthrough tonight! Praise God right!?
The future of the elementary department at the Bridge. Recently I've been asked to dream a little. I have been and I'm excited to say that some exciting stuff is happening! I've been researching other churches, what they do and how they do it. Dreaming has been on my mind quite a bit. I don't know how everything will play out but I'm trusting God to lead and direct us and we press on to bringing kids to know him in a close personal way.
Sometimes I don't show it but I'm thankful for my life. For A God who cares and loves. For my loving husband. For my family. For my friends. For this kid inside me. A friend reminded me one time how fortunate I am to have all the stuff I have. God really has provided. Its just so easy to get stuck on the things I want or feel I need. I was looking at a friends facebook. I knew her in college. She got married recently, I'd say 6 months ago. Her husband had to go back into the service after they married. He was scheduled to come home. He died. I don't know a lot going on with this friend because we aren't super close but I do know that she has gone through a lot this last year. I read that she went through cancer and chemo. She got married, and then had her husband killed. My heart goes out to her. I don't know what to say that could comfort her or give her any hope. I would understand if she was angry at God. My point is just that I have it good and am thankful for how God provides. But like Job, everything we have can be stripped away in one second if God chooses to let it happen.
Ok...Thats the big stuff on my mind. My eyes are heavy and I think I might be able to sleep tonight. Good. :)
First and foremost.... Zach. I'm worried probably about nothing. A few weeks ago I would feel him moving and jumping around quite a bit. Now, I feel him not as often. I still feel him jabbing and kicking every once in a while, but nothing compared to before. I've read articles, I've talked to others and the consensus is that I shouldn't worry as long as I'm feeling him move. But... I still worry. A friend suggested that I ask God for little movements to encourage me during those times I'm worried. Its helped some. I just know that when I don't feel him and I'm worried I'm near tears and then all of a sudden I'll get a good punch. Like, "Ok mom, I'm still here, stop freaking out." I've been wondering lately how I can already be so attached to this little being that I haven't met. It didn't happen for me super fast. I didn't start feeling care, love, and attachment until the last couple months. Probably when his presence was made more known by the constant movement. I will never forget the doctors appointment where she stuck a little instrument on my stomach, moved it around some and I heard the most wonderful sound ever. His heart. For the first time. My babies rapid little heart. I don't tell many this but I teared up. Its the most awesome sound in the world. Even as I'm writing now I'm feeling him move around. I really thank God for the reasurrance. :)
We had Route 56 tonight and for the most part I would say that things have gone really well. The girls are excited to participate in conversation, we have a fun time, and I'm starting to really get to know them. Some drive me crazy. One in particular. She tests my patience to no end and I get so frustrated! Tonight I asked her "_______ would you please calm down a little bit?" She looked at me in the face and said "no." OMGosh! I then proceeded to ask her to never tell me no again unless I'm asking her if she's on drugs. In that case it would be reasonable!
I had a good conversation with a parent who asked me to pray for her kid who goes to Route 56. For some reason her kids are dear to my heart. When I drive home from Route 56 I always have to drive home in silence. I need to unwind from the constant chatter of the night and just have time with my thoughts. Tonight I prayed for that family. Hoping for some God moment, some interference that God would meet her kids needs and that he would be real with God. So I just get an email from his mom asking if I prayed because they had a real breakthrough tonight! Praise God right!?
The future of the elementary department at the Bridge. Recently I've been asked to dream a little. I have been and I'm excited to say that some exciting stuff is happening! I've been researching other churches, what they do and how they do it. Dreaming has been on my mind quite a bit. I don't know how everything will play out but I'm trusting God to lead and direct us and we press on to bringing kids to know him in a close personal way.
Sometimes I don't show it but I'm thankful for my life. For A God who cares and loves. For my loving husband. For my family. For my friends. For this kid inside me. A friend reminded me one time how fortunate I am to have all the stuff I have. God really has provided. Its just so easy to get stuck on the things I want or feel I need. I was looking at a friends facebook. I knew her in college. She got married recently, I'd say 6 months ago. Her husband had to go back into the service after they married. He was scheduled to come home. He died. I don't know a lot going on with this friend because we aren't super close but I do know that she has gone through a lot this last year. I read that she went through cancer and chemo. She got married, and then had her husband killed. My heart goes out to her. I don't know what to say that could comfort her or give her any hope. I would understand if she was angry at God. My point is just that I have it good and am thankful for how God provides. But like Job, everything we have can be stripped away in one second if God chooses to let it happen.
Ok...Thats the big stuff on my mind. My eyes are heavy and I think I might be able to sleep tonight. Good. :)
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Where's the praise at?
When God wants to tell you something, man he really goes at it. At life group tonight we talked about the things that God has blessed us with. Most of the answers included ways that God has blessed people with big things. As I sat and thought I realized that I didn't have my big thing. As we went on with the group, we talked about praising God for the blessings that he has given us. Now we rewind a bit. At Route 56 I'm in charge of teaching fifth and sixth grade girls about comparing ourselves to others and the dangers of it. Now why God wants to teach me this when I struggle with it emmensly daily, I don't know. I just know that he does. The talk isn't until mid October, so I've procrastinated thinking about it and how I'm going to present it to these girls. Thursday afternoons in Children's ministry I do a lot of emailing, reminding volunteers about serving on Sunday, and I do this mostly through facebook. Which brings us to this afternoon. Facebook was down for the majority of the afternoon, so as I'm sitting in the office wondering what to do with my time I figure I would at least read the lesson book we have for the girls on comparing ourselves. You know what the book mostly deals with? Prasing God for how he has made us. Praising God that we were made in his image. Paying attentioin to the good things about us and not focusing on the bad. Because when we focus on the bad its when we are comparing ourselves with others. So basically, I should praise God for the way he's made me and not focus on all the things I don't like about me. So fast forward to lifegroup tonight. We talk about blessings that God has given and I realize that I have been blessed with so much. Maybe nothing huge that I can share a great story with, but so many things that make one big. I've been blessed with a loving Husband who cares about me. A baby who will be born. A family who loves me. A job where I'm used and loved. Friends who support me and encourage me. A car that gets me around. A ministry that is doing good. Most importantly a God who has given me all this. Who loves me. Communicates with me. Cares about me. Disciplines me. And is there. Many, Many blessings.
Which brings me to prayer. There is a verse in the bible about presenting our requests to God with thanksgiving. In the message it says "Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers. Letting God knows your concerns." I'm so focused in prayer about what I need. Asking others for what I need. I met a girl last year at a bible study who when asked what prayers she had she would always start with praises. At first I thought it was weird. But now that I think of it, its pretty awesome. Something I need to do more. Focus on more. Do more. Praises. Not focusing on things I dont like; want, and need. My husband says that we have it pretty good. And we do.
Many Many Praises....
Which brings me to prayer. There is a verse in the bible about presenting our requests to God with thanksgiving. In the message it says "Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers. Letting God knows your concerns." I'm so focused in prayer about what I need. Asking others for what I need. I met a girl last year at a bible study who when asked what prayers she had she would always start with praises. At first I thought it was weird. But now that I think of it, its pretty awesome. Something I need to do more. Focus on more. Do more. Praises. Not focusing on things I dont like; want, and need. My husband says that we have it pretty good. And we do.
Many Many Praises....
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