This song has been on my mind lately. The song is beautiful and has a lot of meaning to me.
Take me past the outer courts
Into the Holy Place
Past the brazen altar
Lord I want to see your face
Pass me by the crowds of people
And the Priests who sing your praise
I hunger and thirst for your righteousness
But it's only found in one place
[Chorus:]
Take me into the holy of holies
Take me in by the blood of the lamb
Take me into the holy of holies
Take the coal, touch my lips, here I am
Monday, April 18, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Learning about being a mom
Zach is 6 weeks old. Life as we know it has completely changed. I've realized some things I've taken for granted. Sleep. Getting out of the car to run into the store quickly without having to take out a carseat with a child. Eating whatever I want. Sleep. Cleaning whenever I need to. Reading a book. Going to the park just to chill for hours. Now. I can still do those things. They just have changed. I have to limit the time doing things I love doing, and now, I have a son who I love that I can do them with. Which is really awesome.
As much as I didn't believe the people who said during the first few weeks of Zach's life that "it will get easier" I must say that it has. Zach, Geoffe, and I are learning about each other and figuring out life with baby. I've noticed that I know things about Zach by the cues he gives me. We've started a routine to where I'm pretty sure I can guess what he is going to want next. Here's an example of our schedule along with things I've learned:
We start our day around 7:00 A.M. when Zach wakes up very early. I have been exclusively pumping, and supplementing with formula at night, so he gets his first breast milk bottle. I give him 3 OZ every 2 hours. After eating he either is wide awake and wants to play (on rare occasion) or is ready to go back to sleep. Most likely he goes back to seleep for 2 hours. At 9, he wakes up and we repeat the feeding routine. This time he normally wants to stay awake. I put him in his baby fun chair. He likes this for only about 30 minutes. He normally gets bored pretty easy. After the chair, I put him under his mobile thing that has toys hanging down. He LOVES this. He actually might be a bit overstimulated by it. His legs move like he's running and his arms are up in the air hitting the toys. Usually when I get smile it's when he's under this toy. He also tries to eat the frog stuffed animal hanging down.
*He started smiling last Thursday. He has given small smiles, and his mouth opens way big as he's trying big smiles. He gave his first big smile today (picture on facebook). He also has this bear mobile hanging where his changing table is and he LOVES this. He laughs, smiles, and talks to it. He's learning very quickly.
After about 1 hour 15 minutes Zach starts getting fussy. I know that he's getting a little tired so I pick him up and give him a pacifier. Now this isn't an easy process. He fights the pacifier. He cries until he puts his mouth down and realizes what it is and starts sucking. Almost immediatly his eyes start closing. This is how I know he's tired. I call the pacifier my baby sleep savior. it gets him to sleep almost every time. So, Zach sleeps for about 30-45 minutes, wakes up, and we repeat the process.
When the weather is nice I take Zach's chair outside and we sit in the sun. During this time I read Zach books and I take time to pray and read the bible. This sometimes can only be about 15-20 minutes but this time with the Lord is so worth it. Its helped me pray through some frusterating and sleep deprived days.
Around 7:00 every night we have Bath time. Zach LOVES bathtime. He doesn't cry unless he's hungry or especially tired. After bath time Daddy gets Zach to dry him off, we put his PJ's on him and usually give him a bottle. He plays some, and gets another bedtime bottle around 9 or 9:30 and goes to sleep. He usually gives me a good 5 hours of sleep before waking up to eat, and then another 3 hours, and then we start the day again.
Some things I've learned:
When Zach wakes up all he wants to do is eat. If he has a wet or poopy diaper trying to change it before he has eaten is difficult. Normally I choose to wait until after food unless its a lot of pee, or any kind of poop. We have to indure the screaming in this case. His bear mobile doesn't even help when he's hungry. (my boy loves to eat).
Zach has a blowout about every 2-3 days. I have to be careful about the clothes I put on him when I think he's going to blow out. I'd rather mess up the clothes that aren't my favorite things to put on him :) At first I worried that his bowels wasn't frequent enough but I've learned through many internet articles, and an email to his doctors that its normal, and that I need to get used to the blowouts.
Zach talks to me when he's under his toy mobile and sometimes when I'm holding him to give him a nap. The pacifier sometimes prevents this so as much as I love it I'll take it out and let him tell me his stories.
He also recognizes my voice. Its awesome when I walk into the room and start talking and he turns his head, makes eye contact with me, and gives me a smile. Makes the first few weeks worth it.
I look at my boy and I think about the day he was born limp and blue. I almost tear up thinking that we could have lost this precious guy. We've all bonded. He loves his mama and daddy.
I'm sure now that I've learned this routine he will change it. But still up for learning ;)
Good times ahead.....
As much as I didn't believe the people who said during the first few weeks of Zach's life that "it will get easier" I must say that it has. Zach, Geoffe, and I are learning about each other and figuring out life with baby. I've noticed that I know things about Zach by the cues he gives me. We've started a routine to where I'm pretty sure I can guess what he is going to want next. Here's an example of our schedule along with things I've learned:
We start our day around 7:00 A.M. when Zach wakes up very early. I have been exclusively pumping, and supplementing with formula at night, so he gets his first breast milk bottle. I give him 3 OZ every 2 hours. After eating he either is wide awake and wants to play (on rare occasion) or is ready to go back to sleep. Most likely he goes back to seleep for 2 hours. At 9, he wakes up and we repeat the feeding routine. This time he normally wants to stay awake. I put him in his baby fun chair. He likes this for only about 30 minutes. He normally gets bored pretty easy. After the chair, I put him under his mobile thing that has toys hanging down. He LOVES this. He actually might be a bit overstimulated by it. His legs move like he's running and his arms are up in the air hitting the toys. Usually when I get smile it's when he's under this toy. He also tries to eat the frog stuffed animal hanging down.
*He started smiling last Thursday. He has given small smiles, and his mouth opens way big as he's trying big smiles. He gave his first big smile today (picture on facebook). He also has this bear mobile hanging where his changing table is and he LOVES this. He laughs, smiles, and talks to it. He's learning very quickly.
After about 1 hour 15 minutes Zach starts getting fussy. I know that he's getting a little tired so I pick him up and give him a pacifier. Now this isn't an easy process. He fights the pacifier. He cries until he puts his mouth down and realizes what it is and starts sucking. Almost immediatly his eyes start closing. This is how I know he's tired. I call the pacifier my baby sleep savior. it gets him to sleep almost every time. So, Zach sleeps for about 30-45 minutes, wakes up, and we repeat the process.
When the weather is nice I take Zach's chair outside and we sit in the sun. During this time I read Zach books and I take time to pray and read the bible. This sometimes can only be about 15-20 minutes but this time with the Lord is so worth it. Its helped me pray through some frusterating and sleep deprived days.
Around 7:00 every night we have Bath time. Zach LOVES bathtime. He doesn't cry unless he's hungry or especially tired. After bath time Daddy gets Zach to dry him off, we put his PJ's on him and usually give him a bottle. He plays some, and gets another bedtime bottle around 9 or 9:30 and goes to sleep. He usually gives me a good 5 hours of sleep before waking up to eat, and then another 3 hours, and then we start the day again.
Some things I've learned:
When Zach wakes up all he wants to do is eat. If he has a wet or poopy diaper trying to change it before he has eaten is difficult. Normally I choose to wait until after food unless its a lot of pee, or any kind of poop. We have to indure the screaming in this case. His bear mobile doesn't even help when he's hungry. (my boy loves to eat).
Zach has a blowout about every 2-3 days. I have to be careful about the clothes I put on him when I think he's going to blow out. I'd rather mess up the clothes that aren't my favorite things to put on him :) At first I worried that his bowels wasn't frequent enough but I've learned through many internet articles, and an email to his doctors that its normal, and that I need to get used to the blowouts.
Zach talks to me when he's under his toy mobile and sometimes when I'm holding him to give him a nap. The pacifier sometimes prevents this so as much as I love it I'll take it out and let him tell me his stories.
He also recognizes my voice. Its awesome when I walk into the room and start talking and he turns his head, makes eye contact with me, and gives me a smile. Makes the first few weeks worth it.
I look at my boy and I think about the day he was born limp and blue. I almost tear up thinking that we could have lost this precious guy. We've all bonded. He loves his mama and daddy.
I'm sure now that I've learned this routine he will change it. But still up for learning ;)
Good times ahead.....
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Hard
So I'm at this stage where I'm seeing that this mom thing is super hard. I love him, I care about him but it's hard. I worry about if he's getting enough milk. I don't sleep at night. I take care of him all day wondering if I'm doing things right. It's lonely. It's hard. Geoffe is a lot of help but he works all day. I feel so alone in this very unsure world of being a mom....
So Friday I had to take him to his 2 week appointment. The doctor had to cauderize something in his belly button that involved some sort of poison. Doctor said that it didnt actually hurt zach to do it but is having me continue to clean it out with alcohol. Now I know that the alcohol hurts where he was cauterized. The skin is red and peeling and every kid knows that alcohol on owies is the pits. Zach screams every time I clean it out. So tonight as he's screaming I just broke down crying. I'm normally a strong person. But here I am hurting the poor guy, so tired and think I am not giving him enough milk at night. (he acts hungry all night from 6-9)
Anyway all this to say... It's rough.. Everybody says it will get easier... Seriously does it or do people say that to offer some hope that might not be there? Waiting and longing for the easier...
So Friday I had to take him to his 2 week appointment. The doctor had to cauderize something in his belly button that involved some sort of poison. Doctor said that it didnt actually hurt zach to do it but is having me continue to clean it out with alcohol. Now I know that the alcohol hurts where he was cauterized. The skin is red and peeling and every kid knows that alcohol on owies is the pits. Zach screams every time I clean it out. So tonight as he's screaming I just broke down crying. I'm normally a strong person. But here I am hurting the poor guy, so tired and think I am not giving him enough milk at night. (he acts hungry all night from 6-9)
Anyway all this to say... It's rough.. Everybody says it will get easier... Seriously does it or do people say that to offer some hope that might not be there? Waiting and longing for the easier...
Sunday, February 20, 2011
new baby
Zachariah will be two weeks old tomorrow. The last two weeks have been CRAZY. Adjusting to mommy life has been hard. I don't think I expected having a baby to be easy, but I definetly didn't expect it to be as hard as it is. Don't get me wrong. I'm adapting to this whole mom thing pretty well. I love him dearly. I think its pretty amazing that something so beautiful came from me and Geoffe. I worry. I cry. I don't get much sleep, and I feed him feed him feed him. But its all pretty amazing and priceless. Nothing can compare to it. Just amazing.
I thought I'd share a little about the birth experience. The nurses at Kaiser pretty much made my experience amazing. They helped me in delivery, they educated me on what was happening, and they helped me after the C Section learn how to breast feed, take care of, and listen to my babies cues. My water broke at midnight on the 7th. I called the birthing center because It wasn't a huge gush of water and I wasn't sure if it was actually my water breaking. They told me to come in just to be sure so we did. We found out that there was merconium (Zach pooped inside). I was dilated to a 3 and contractions had started so we got a room and waited. I felt like a sissy when it came to the contractions. Man I asked for the epidural by 4:30 a.m. After recieving it I couldn't feel my legs or the pain anymore. People had to come and move my legs for me and I got to experience first hand what it was like to be paralyzed. The nurses started noticing that with every contraction Zach's heart rate would go down and then back up. This caused some anxiety with everyone. They called the doctor in and he basically said it was probably my pelvis contracting against his head which caused his heart rate to lower and then come back up. The nurse wasn't convinced and said that she thought there was a cord around his neck. But we kept watch, and everytime it went really low the nurse would call the doctor in. Around 11:00 the nurse called the doctor back and and he didn't leave. He stayed for a while watching the contractions and watching Zach's heart rate lower and then go back up. He checked my dilation and I was at a 10 so he decided to have me try to push. I did, and I couldn't get him out. Everyone was alarmed at his heart rate at this time so they decided to do an emergency C section. My epidural had worn off so I had to be put under and Geoffe wasn't allowed in the operating room. 6 minutes later Zach was pulled out limp and blue with the cord wrapped loosely around his neck. He had an apgar of 3, 7, and then 8. They massaged him, put him on oxygen and got him all better.
Now my beautiful boy is just amazingly beautiful and healthy. Words can't describe how cool it is having him here and good. We had a scare, but what matters now is that he is healthy.
The adventure continues........
-M
I thought I'd share a little about the birth experience. The nurses at Kaiser pretty much made my experience amazing. They helped me in delivery, they educated me on what was happening, and they helped me after the C Section learn how to breast feed, take care of, and listen to my babies cues. My water broke at midnight on the 7th. I called the birthing center because It wasn't a huge gush of water and I wasn't sure if it was actually my water breaking. They told me to come in just to be sure so we did. We found out that there was merconium (Zach pooped inside). I was dilated to a 3 and contractions had started so we got a room and waited. I felt like a sissy when it came to the contractions. Man I asked for the epidural by 4:30 a.m. After recieving it I couldn't feel my legs or the pain anymore. People had to come and move my legs for me and I got to experience first hand what it was like to be paralyzed. The nurses started noticing that with every contraction Zach's heart rate would go down and then back up. This caused some anxiety with everyone. They called the doctor in and he basically said it was probably my pelvis contracting against his head which caused his heart rate to lower and then come back up. The nurse wasn't convinced and said that she thought there was a cord around his neck. But we kept watch, and everytime it went really low the nurse would call the doctor in. Around 11:00 the nurse called the doctor back and and he didn't leave. He stayed for a while watching the contractions and watching Zach's heart rate lower and then go back up. He checked my dilation and I was at a 10 so he decided to have me try to push. I did, and I couldn't get him out. Everyone was alarmed at his heart rate at this time so they decided to do an emergency C section. My epidural had worn off so I had to be put under and Geoffe wasn't allowed in the operating room. 6 minutes later Zach was pulled out limp and blue with the cord wrapped loosely around his neck. He had an apgar of 3, 7, and then 8. They massaged him, put him on oxygen and got him all better.
Now my beautiful boy is just amazingly beautiful and healthy. Words can't describe how cool it is having him here and good. We had a scare, but what matters now is that he is healthy.
The adventure continues........
-M
Saturday, January 29, 2011
waiting for Zach.....
Its kinda funny how when I first found out I was pregnant I thought that 9 months was not enough time to prepare for having my first child. The thoughts come into my head like "Oh my gosh, in less than a year I will be a mom." Then you start worrying. Not only about the health of the baby you are carrying, but about getting things ready for him. I worried. I prepared. I read. I listened to horror stories. I listened to great stories. Through all this I have seen how God has changed my mentality. I'm 39 weeks pregnant, almost at 40 and I just want him to hurry up and get here. I've felt this way probably for the last month. Every pain, discomfort, and movements makes me think "is it time?" Thursday night I thought I might be starting something. Today I thought I might be starting something. Both times, the pains have stopped. My heart jumps in excitement during the pains. "It might be today!" But then get discouraged when the pain stops and its not today. Discouragment at the pain stopping! Everything is ready for Zach to come. It seems like everything and everybody is ready except him!
So friends, if you are pregnant and you fear the future of your baby and not having enough time, just know that pretty soon you will just want the baby inside of you to hurry up and come into the world so you can enjoy him and love him. Hang in there. 9 months passes very quickly.
Keep paying attention to updates on facebook. This labor thing could happen pretty quickly for me.
So friends, if you are pregnant and you fear the future of your baby and not having enough time, just know that pretty soon you will just want the baby inside of you to hurry up and come into the world so you can enjoy him and love him. Hang in there. 9 months passes very quickly.
Keep paying attention to updates on facebook. This labor thing could happen pretty quickly for me.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
eating. pregnant. gastric.
So basically all my life I've been told that I need to eat less food. Less sugar, less substance, just less. I'm a bored eater so I eat when there isn't anything else to do. This has caused me problems. I have always been big, my biggest was 200 + lbs overweight a few years ago. I tried dieting. I developed many bad ways to lose weight. I finally decided that enough was enough and asked my Dr. to recommend me for Gastric Bypass. Which he did, which I had done, and in that three years I've lost a lot of weight, and feel great. I was happy with my weight before Zach. My greatest fear when I found out I was pregnant with Zach was that I was going to gain all this weight back. I have gained weight since being pregnant. For the first time since the surgery. Total so far has been 28 lbs and I'm almost done with the pregnancy so I think I've done pretty good. But for the first time I have experienced complicatations because of the gastric bypass. Nothing big, just eye opening. Here's a few things to think about for those who get pregnant after the surgery.
1. Tell all your doctors, all the time that you've had gastric so that they are aware. Even if its in your record. Everyone should know. My OB wasn't aware and suggested tests that weren't good for me. Which leads to number 2.
2. Do not take the sugar glucose test drink to find out if you have gestational diabetes. Because of the surgery your results will be thrown out. Most likely your blood sugar will spike with a high reading and then drop very low. You will also most likely get sick. (Within 30 minutes I experienced throwing up and diaharrea). After the 3 hour glucose drink I walked out of Kaiser with a blood sugar level low enough to make me pass out. To find out if you do have G.D. gastric patients have to test their own blood. My blood has turned out clean since then but I'm still on the G.D diet-which leads to number 3.
3. You still cannot eat a lot of food for breakfast lunch and dinner. It is up to you to eat more food during the day to keep you and baby healthy. This means intentionally packing snacks for your day. At every OB appointment my urine was showing that I had high amounts of ketones. The OB basically explained that this means that basically my body is starving. She put me on with the Kaiser nutritionist who put me on a special diet where I'm eating more often during the day. This is still very hard. The OB basically said that if I go in one more time with high ketones they are going to put me on an IV to help me get hydrated and healthy. So they want me to eat more. For the first time in my life, people are saying eat more. This mentality is especially hard because of my past, my fears, and my issues. Eat more. Be intentional about eating. WHAT??
4. Keep up on your vitamins. You may have to double up on prenatals. Because of the surgery your body doesn't absorb the multivitamins well. So you want to make sure to take them everyday, sometimes more than you have to and be intentional about your babies health. Right now I'm taking Calcium and Vitamin D because I can't drink milk. 2 Irons because I'm anemic. B-12 (for life), Vitamin C (for life), Vitamin A (while pregnant your levels go down and I was low), and 2 prenatals-for more of what I need.
5. Keep up with your nutritionist at your doctor. Be in contact with them on a regular basis. Make sure they know you are pregnant with gastric and ask if their are any services for help. I was 7 months pregnant before I found out that Kaiser offered a free program where Gastric patients who are pregnant can be followed by a nutritionist making sure that I'm eating right, baby is getting enough vitamins, and that G.D. isn't in the picture. She calls me once a week to chat. :)
6. Because you've had gastric you may have a lot of skin. Don't worry yourself to death when the 7th month comes around and people are still telling you that you don't look pregnant. You may just be carrying differently. I had a lot of room to fill out before I started showing (about month 8).
So I think that's all the advice I could give. Pregnancy and gastric is a wild ride but worth it. Its worth eating more often. It's worth gaining weight. It's worth all the worry. Zach will be here soon. I'm praying for a healthy baby boy.
1. Tell all your doctors, all the time that you've had gastric so that they are aware. Even if its in your record. Everyone should know. My OB wasn't aware and suggested tests that weren't good for me. Which leads to number 2.
2. Do not take the sugar glucose test drink to find out if you have gestational diabetes. Because of the surgery your results will be thrown out. Most likely your blood sugar will spike with a high reading and then drop very low. You will also most likely get sick. (Within 30 minutes I experienced throwing up and diaharrea). After the 3 hour glucose drink I walked out of Kaiser with a blood sugar level low enough to make me pass out. To find out if you do have G.D. gastric patients have to test their own blood. My blood has turned out clean since then but I'm still on the G.D diet-which leads to number 3.
3. You still cannot eat a lot of food for breakfast lunch and dinner. It is up to you to eat more food during the day to keep you and baby healthy. This means intentionally packing snacks for your day. At every OB appointment my urine was showing that I had high amounts of ketones. The OB basically explained that this means that basically my body is starving. She put me on with the Kaiser nutritionist who put me on a special diet where I'm eating more often during the day. This is still very hard. The OB basically said that if I go in one more time with high ketones they are going to put me on an IV to help me get hydrated and healthy. So they want me to eat more. For the first time in my life, people are saying eat more. This mentality is especially hard because of my past, my fears, and my issues. Eat more. Be intentional about eating. WHAT??
4. Keep up on your vitamins. You may have to double up on prenatals. Because of the surgery your body doesn't absorb the multivitamins well. So you want to make sure to take them everyday, sometimes more than you have to and be intentional about your babies health. Right now I'm taking Calcium and Vitamin D because I can't drink milk. 2 Irons because I'm anemic. B-12 (for life), Vitamin C (for life), Vitamin A (while pregnant your levels go down and I was low), and 2 prenatals-for more of what I need.
5. Keep up with your nutritionist at your doctor. Be in contact with them on a regular basis. Make sure they know you are pregnant with gastric and ask if their are any services for help. I was 7 months pregnant before I found out that Kaiser offered a free program where Gastric patients who are pregnant can be followed by a nutritionist making sure that I'm eating right, baby is getting enough vitamins, and that G.D. isn't in the picture. She calls me once a week to chat. :)
6. Because you've had gastric you may have a lot of skin. Don't worry yourself to death when the 7th month comes around and people are still telling you that you don't look pregnant. You may just be carrying differently. I had a lot of room to fill out before I started showing (about month 8).
So I think that's all the advice I could give. Pregnancy and gastric is a wild ride but worth it. Its worth eating more often. It's worth gaining weight. It's worth all the worry. Zach will be here soon. I'm praying for a healthy baby boy.
Friday, December 31, 2010
New Years
As everybody is busying around getting ready to live out the last day of 2010 I'm sitting at home, snuggled in a snuggie, fighting a bad cold and thinking. Most people have new years resolutions. Things that they want to change about themselves for the next year. Some want to look better, some want to be a better person, some want to appear better for others. I've never been big on resolutions. The next year to me has just been another day. Not much happening that was going to change my world. This year, in about a month I have a big change. A life change. A change that will make me a better person. A better mother. A change that will make me a mother. I long for so much when it comes to Zach. For a loving home, a happy home, a fun home, and most importantly, a God honoring home.
I was telling a friend how most people lately have asked me "Are you ready?" Honestly.... Well.. no. I'm not sure any first time mommy could truly be ready. Sometimes we just gotta jump in and learn how to swim. Sometimes I'll drown, sometimes I'll float but at least I'm learning. Am I ready to meet Zach? Heck yes. To see his face, his personality. Thats what I'm excited for. I'm excited to experience life with my husband and my son in the year 2011 and beyond.
I was telling a friend how most people lately have asked me "Are you ready?" Honestly.... Well.. no. I'm not sure any first time mommy could truly be ready. Sometimes we just gotta jump in and learn how to swim. Sometimes I'll drown, sometimes I'll float but at least I'm learning. Am I ready to meet Zach? Heck yes. To see his face, his personality. Thats what I'm excited for. I'm excited to experience life with my husband and my son in the year 2011 and beyond.
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