Thursday, September 22, 2011

exhaustion

I think I have a pretty good life.  A loving husband.  Pretty cool kid.  Awesome family.  Cool friends.  Good job. = pretty good life.  Pretty good life doesn't cancel out exhaustion.  I'm exhausted.  I think my body is starting to feel the effects of being exhausted.  My eyes, back, feet, head, neck, it all hurts.  I'm emotional.  I want to cry at the slightest thing.  My body is failing me with everything I have to do.  You would think that I could sleep but I often lay awake at night not being able to.  What is going on with me?  Is this just part of being a mom?  Does it ever end?  Does it ever get any better?  I'm awake with Zach really early.  He lets me shower while he watches his baby tv.  We eat breakfast, play, and depending on the day either go to day care or stay home and play more.  This morning we stayed home.  I washed clothes, folded clothes, did the dishes, played with Zach, he took a nap.  We went to a meeting at work where he hung out with a friend for an hour, came back home where he took about an hour nap, I finished up laundry, cleaned our room, and got a ten minute nap before he woke up.  Geoffe got home, he offered to let me take a nap but I had just gotten a ten minute one and knew I wouldn't be able to fall back asleep so soon.  We went to Walmart, came home, I cooked dinner while Geoffe entertained Zach for a while.  We ate, Geoffe took a nap and I took care of Zach.  Bath time, bed time, pick up toys, and do dishes, and now here I am.  Endless cycle.  Laundry, dishes, feedings, cleaning, working, driving, grocery shopping, napping, again and again and again.  I need another break.  To the point of breaking here.  When Zach was younger people would often tell me that it will get easier.  It has.  But its still super hard.  And so here I am, instead of sleeping I vent and wonder if it ever does really get easier.  Or if hard things are just replaced with different hard things.  That to me seems more realistic.  What do you think fellow mamas?  Tomorrow I go to work and Geoffe keeps Zach.  I think I'm going to spend some time reading at starbucks.  Unwind a bit.  It will help me I think. 

I close with this last thought.  I love Zach dearly.  I wouldn't change this exhaustion if it meant not having him.  I'd gladly take exhaustion over and over and over.  His smile melts my heart everytime.  His tears break my heart every time.  He rocks my world. 

I appreciate all Geoffe has done to provide for our family too.  He gets up super early, and I understand he is tired when he gets home.  However, i do long for the day that he has regular work hours again.  I miss him. 

Thursday, September 8, 2011

my joy...

A kiss hello
Zachs sweet smile
Rain when its sunny
Zach sleeping
Zach laughing
Zach's kisses
A hug from family
An unexpected text saying hello
Watching Zach learn
Brothers and Sisters
Ministry working
The Girls I'm close to
Watching Zach and Geoffe wrestle
People getting along
Friends calling or visiting from out of town
Uncontrolable laughter
My husbands hand in mine
My moms smile
Sitting outside with my dad
A cool pool in the heat
A warm blanket when cold
A good book
Movies by myself
Zachs cries gone when he's in my arms
Cousins
Madisons & Jakes hugs
Katies notes
Shelbys and Blakes sports
Michael and Sam growing up
Justins presence
Christmas
Hume Lake
An encouraging conversation with a friend
Helping others
Prayer
The Bible outside in the shade or at starbucks
Family.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

cool reading

When God is hidden by a dark cloud


There are seasons in the lives of us all when it is not easy to believe that God is faithful. When our eyes are full of tears, our ears are distracted by the noise of the world, we feel we can no longer hear the sweet voice of our Savior calling out to us, and we can no longer trace His sovereign hand at work through the events of our days.
At times when this has happened in my life, my mind was left confused and full of questions. I had sought to be faithful to God… why would he allow this (insert trial here) to happen?
What we must remember at these times is that God is faithful. His Word is true. In every relationship with His Children, God has been faithful. No one ever trusted Him in vain. We need that reminder, which is why it is so important to remind ourselves of the God revealed in Scripture. His faithfulness is part of His character. We can have confidence in Him, whether we understand our current situation or not.
“You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.” John 13:7
One of my favorite poets is William Cowper. He spent his life battling depression, loneliness and many other struggles. Yet his poems remind us constantly of the faithfulness of God. Remember that even when God moves in your life in a mysterious way (as He did in William Cowper’s), He is sovereign, He is gracious, and He is, even now, working out His good plan in you.
God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs
And works His sovereign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.

Blind unbelief is sure to err
And scan His work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
And He will make it plain.