mommyhood

So honest moment here.  Probably more honest than anybody would really expect.  Ok.  Here it goes....

I. am. not. the. best. mother. 

There I said it.  Do I regret  saying it?  Yes.  A little.  Will I regret posting this blot.  Yes.  Probably.  Being a mom is stinking hard.  Zach is hard.  I don't go a week without having a few crying sessions.  I truly believe that God must have made a mistake when he decided to let me be a mom.  He must have had a crazy moment or something.  I don't know what I'm doing.  I don't know why he screams when he does.  I just don't know so much.  I second guess everything.  I'm nervous.  He screams.  One moment he's on cloud nine smiling and cooing, the next he's screaming and I don't know why.  He's fed, he's changed, medicine?  fever?  change positions?  Nothing helps. 

This evening he's screaming.  I hand him to Daddy and he stops.  My kid hates me.  I know this isn't true.  I really know it.  But deep in my insecurities my worst fear is coming out.  Its not me. I'm not exactly sure but tonight he was tired, hungry for more and screaming.  Daddy wasn't stressed.  (I had tried to console him screaming for quite some time-i was probably stressed).  He eventually started the screaming again and I decided to make him another bottle.  He instantly calmed down.  He ate two ounces and fell asleep. 

So my point in all this venting.......Its hard.  I love it.  But its hard.  I love him.  But he's hard.  I'm thankful that I'm not alone.  I'm thankful for those just within this last month who have told me that they have been where I'm at.  They have had rough times with their babies.  WHAT?  I'm not alone?  Others struggle?  Other babies hate their mothers too?  ;)  WHAT? 

The next moment he's awake he will be smiling at me and I will be bragging about what a smiley baby he is.  Geoffe reminded me that we have 18 + more years of this emotional rollercoaster.  Good grief! 

song on my mind lately

This song has been on my mind lately. The song is beautiful and has a lot of meaning to me. 

Take me past the outer courts
Into the Holy Place
Past the brazen altar
Lord I want to see your face
Pass me by the crowds of people
And the Priests who sing your praise
I hunger and thirst for your righteousness
But it's only found in one place

[Chorus:]
Take me into the holy of holies
Take me in by the blood of the lamb
Take me into the holy of holies
Take the coal, touch my lips, here I am