It's almost 2:30 a.m. and I can't sleep. There are so many things running through my head. The future, the present, the right now. Nothing bad. Just heavy. So..... I thought I'd blog some to release a little of what my mind holds.
First and foremost.... Zach. I'm worried probably about nothing. A few weeks ago I would feel him moving and jumping around quite a bit. Now, I feel him not as often. I still feel him jabbing and kicking every once in a while, but nothing compared to before. I've read articles, I've talked to others and the consensus is that I shouldn't worry as long as I'm feeling him move. But... I still worry. A friend suggested that I ask God for little movements to encourage me during those times I'm worried. Its helped some. I just know that when I don't feel him and I'm worried I'm near tears and then all of a sudden I'll get a good punch. Like, "Ok mom, I'm still here, stop freaking out." I've been wondering lately how I can already be so attached to this little being that I haven't met. It didn't happen for me super fast. I didn't start feeling care, love, and attachment until the last couple months. Probably when his presence was made more known by the constant movement. I will never forget the doctors appointment where she stuck a little instrument on my stomach, moved it around some and I heard the most wonderful sound ever. His heart. For the first time. My babies rapid little heart. I don't tell many this but I teared up. Its the most awesome sound in the world. Even as I'm writing now I'm feeling him move around. I really thank God for the reasurrance. :)
We had Route 56 tonight and for the most part I would say that things have gone really well. The girls are excited to participate in conversation, we have a fun time, and I'm starting to really get to know them. Some drive me crazy. One in particular. She tests my patience to no end and I get so frustrated! Tonight I asked her "_______ would you please calm down a little bit?" She looked at me in the face and said "no." OMGosh! I then proceeded to ask her to never tell me no again unless I'm asking her if she's on drugs. In that case it would be reasonable!
I had a good conversation with a parent who asked me to pray for her kid who goes to Route 56. For some reason her kids are dear to my heart. When I drive home from Route 56 I always have to drive home in silence. I need to unwind from the constant chatter of the night and just have time with my thoughts. Tonight I prayed for that family. Hoping for some God moment, some interference that God would meet her kids needs and that he would be real with God. So I just get an email from his mom asking if I prayed because they had a real breakthrough tonight! Praise God right!?
The future of the elementary department at the Bridge. Recently I've been asked to dream a little. I have been and I'm excited to say that some exciting stuff is happening! I've been researching other churches, what they do and how they do it. Dreaming has been on my mind quite a bit. I don't know how everything will play out but I'm trusting God to lead and direct us and we press on to bringing kids to know him in a close personal way.
Sometimes I don't show it but I'm thankful for my life. For A God who cares and loves. For my loving husband. For my family. For my friends. For this kid inside me. A friend reminded me one time how fortunate I am to have all the stuff I have. God really has provided. Its just so easy to get stuck on the things I want or feel I need. I was looking at a friends facebook. I knew her in college. She got married recently, I'd say 6 months ago. Her husband had to go back into the service after they married. He was scheduled to come home. He died. I don't know a lot going on with this friend because we aren't super close but I do know that she has gone through a lot this last year. I read that she went through cancer and chemo. She got married, and then had her husband killed. My heart goes out to her. I don't know what to say that could comfort her or give her any hope. I would understand if she was angry at God. My point is just that I have it good and am thankful for how God provides. But like Job, everything we have can be stripped away in one second if God chooses to let it happen.
Ok...Thats the big stuff on my mind. My eyes are heavy and I think I might be able to sleep tonight. Good. :)
